Adopting Late in Life and Living with Stepchildren: Motherhood 2.0

"What a beautiful grandchild you have!"

I had heard those dreaded words before and smiled back at the shiny 20-something mom pushing her daughter on the swing.

"Thank you!" I replied, "She's my daughter."

I had just turned 62 and was easily old enough to be HER mother too, I thought, but I was also wise enough not to take offense. Besides, I had more important things to think about, like getting Kate back to our apartment in time so I could to use the bathroom. I had learned to time our park visits to the minute.

It was a huge decision to adopt a child at my ripe old age and I went back over the reasons that made the long year searching for Kate so worthwhile. Raising kids was what I did best. My good husband Bill was totally on board. We could provide Kate with a good home, a good education, and surround her with a loving family. The reason not to adopt was – my age. Would I stay healthy enough to finish the job of parenting? Would Kate hate me one day for being old?

My mother always said it's never a good time to have a baby. She had ten. She raised her children like a drill sergeant and, at 86, still has more energy than most of her grandchildren. So I decided to count on the abundance of energy I had clearly inherited from her and placed a dozen ads in Penny Savers stating my desire to adopt. Then I waited for the calls.

THE MOST DIFFICULT JOURNEY IN MY LIFE

Kate isn't my first child, and adopting her was much easier than giving birth to my son at 46. Seven long years of failed in vitro attempts were the hardest thing I've endured in my life. The hormone drugs put enormous strain on my marriage and, as brave as I thought I would be, I wasn't. Each failed attempt felt just like the death of a child and I spent most of those seven years just picking myself back up. But when Tom was born six days short of my 46th birthday, the enormous joy and overwhelming gratitude made everything else unimportant.

Deciding to have Tom and Kate are by far the two best decisions of my entire life and through them I learned that good decisions aren't about doing the math. They're simply about whether or not you have enough room in your heart.

SOME JOURNEYS FIND YOU

Stepchildren are a whole different kettle of fish. When I fell in love with wild Bill Higgins, I knew I was on treacherous ground when the chief of police called him during our first date. Bill finished up his plate of linguini, but I knew trouble was coming. Bill had four children I hadn't planned on, and when I finally met them, one loved me instantly, two hated me on sight, and his two-year-old was too young to decide.

But life sometimes plops challenges in your lap and I've always been one to rise to the occasion. I decided to tackle the biggest challenge first – his twelve-year-old juvenile delinquent. I just knew if I could drench him with enough positive attention and deep understanding he would surely come around.

And "come around" he did – the moment Bill and I were married! Bill's ex-wife sent him and his 17-year-old sister packing and they moved right in with us. We had many police raids in our cozy little house and I will forevermore instantly recognize marijuana growing in any backyard. I spent the better part of my honeymoon years in an empty double bed. Bill was posted nightly under his teenage daughter's bedroom window, waiting for her to climb a ladder and into her bed at 4am. Bill was enthusiastic. He's an ex-FBI agent and it brought back memories of all the good times he had hunting fugitives. I learned to sing myself to sleep.

Today all my step kids love me, I think, but it hasn't been easy. It has been one long, herculean effort to make a good thing of a bad situation.

I've learned the two cardinal rules of raising stepchildren:

1. Raising Stepchildren Is All Work, And No "Say." If you think you're entitled to an opinion for sharing your life and your home with strangers you never invited in, you're barking up the wrong tree. You certainly have the right to watch them live in your house, but keep your mouth shut. Only "real" parents can voice their opinions.
2. The Best Way to Your Step Kids' Heart Is Through Their Mother. I've directed most of my effort over the years toward making Bill's ex-wife like me. Once you get the children's mother to acknowledge you're not half bad after all – by showing extreme kindness, being overly considerate, and going out of your way to say good things about her out loud without ever expecting a return – you will win her over! After she's in your court you've captured the queen and the rest of the board is all yours. Bill and I have been married 22 years and I've actually come to like Bill's wife Wendy much more than I like Bill. She and I have a lot in common and I can't imagine a holiday meal without Wendy happily chatting by my side.

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