Sally was no stranger to good sex. When Sally and Jack married, she was 35 and he was 45. She never thought about a future in which they would have less sex, or no sex at all.
Earlier this year Jack died at the age of 75, after an 11-month battle with cancer. Recently I sat down with Sally, who spoke openly about the life of romance and love she shared with Jack, at first with great sex and in later years with no sex but great intimacy.
When we talk about women having it all, we often fail to address whether a happy sex life—or a happy sex-free life—is part of the having-it-all package. Some women worry that they are having less sex than their neighbors.
Early in her career as a journalist, Sally worked nine to five and went home. She had time to take ballet lessons and had enough energy to have sex before nodding off. But then, she explains, "As I advanced in my career, I wrote on deadline until two in the morning. I had a kid, made dinner, helped with homework and did laundry."
Sally points out that sex can create tension in a marriage. "He's thinking about having sex and you're thinking about getting a chicken in the oven. Or you're horny and it's Monday night. He just wants to kick back and watch football."
In recent years Jack, a great-looking guy with a square jaw and soccer-player build, had two hip replacements. He also suffered from arthritis. As he grew older he found it hard to stay awake past 10.
For Sally and Jack, as they aged, snoring in flannel nighties became the new sex in black lace.
Sally saw no reason for either of them to take medication to make it easier to have sex. "If nature is doing everything to tell you that you don't need sex anymore," says Sally, "why don't you listen? It doesn't mean no hugging or cuddling or kissing.
"We hugged a lot. We held hands. We'd hold hands in the movies if it was scary.
"During the last five years, aside from his age, Jack's health made it difficult for him to have the kind of sex that would have satisfied me," explains Sally. They'd had a satisfying sex life, and then she and Jack flowed naturally into another stage.
"Sometimes one of us would say, we haven't had sex lately, and we'd say let's have sex tonight. Then we'd snuggle up and within minutes fall asleep.
"Other times we had mock sex. We'd be spooning and he'd make thrusting motions and then say, 'Was it good for you ?' And I'd say 'Oh it was great' and we'd fall asleep. I never felt frustrated; if I did, I knew how to satisfy myself."
Sally further describes how they would play symphony music and waltz around the den. Like other couples, they argued, but none of the quarrels had to do with sex.
Neither Sally nor Jack felt a need to judge themselves about sex. Rather, they felt liberated because they never worried that they were no longer having intercourse. By not comparing their sexual activity (or lack thereof) to statistics declaring that other couples made love weekly or monthly, they freed themselves to be intimate on their own terms.
"After 30 years with Jack, we'd be in the kitchen and we would share one long, deep goodnight kiss. In the gentlest sweetest way, I would feel aroused. It had a stimulating effect, but did not make me feel I needed to 'make love.' Not that we couldn't have used lubricant and done it.
"It's not like it was asexual. He'd be sitting in his chair in the den and he'd say something sexy to me. We touched constantly. He didn't walk by me without touching me."
Although during the past five years, Sally and Jack were no longer having sexual intercourse, they enjoyed abundant humor. "We were having less sex and more laughs. We were in tune with each other and our bodies, and we had intimacy in other ways.
"We'd had good chemistry for sex and we had good chemistry for no sex. If I had been with a guy 10 years younger, it might have been different. But I didn't want to put pressure on Jack, who was 10 years older than I was. Even before his hip operations, why should he have had to take Viagra?"
By not pressuring themselves, not thinking there was something wrong with not having intercourse, Sally says, "It was one of the best periods in our marriage. We were free from our hormones. Sexual freedom can also mean freedom from sex."
See my bio for links to more of my relationship and healthy recipe articles as well as to my blog Confessions of a Worrywart.
See also:
*Aphrodisiac Foods & 7 Easy, Delicious Recipes To Give Your Libido A Boost
*Living Together: Men Speak Out With Advice About Sex and More
*Should Couples Have Separate Bedrooms? Readers Responses May Surprise You
*He Asked, "Am I Going To Die?" I Had To Tell Him, "Yes You Are."
*Family Vacation With My Ex & Daughters
*Joyce Maynard Adopted Two Girls From Ethiopia Then Gave Them Up
