Divorce and children are a difficult combination. Yet, there is so much parents can do to set a tone that helps their kids. Perhaps you have adult children or friends who are going through divorce. If they have kids, share these ideas with them. Although I am not a family therapist, I am a divorced mother of three girls who have a great relationship with their father and me. My life is so enhanced by holidays and our annual "famly vacation," which is everyone's favorite.
- Make clear to children that the divorce is not about them. They could not have prevented it; nor could they have caused it.
- Support the child's relationship with the other parent. This will go a long way toward the child's well-being over his lifetime. It will also offer hope for at least a passable relationship between the spouses.
- Don't badmouth the other parent. Often, children rebel against the parent who attacks the other parent.
- Do not argue with the other parent in the child's presence.
- Let kids know there is absolutely no possibility of patching up your marriage. Kids fantasize about their parents getting back together Ă la The Parent Trap.
- If you can afford it, giving children the opportunity to talk to a psychotherapist can help them sort out their feelings in a safe environment.
- After allowing some time to adjust to the reconfigured family, a new pet can bring joy to your home.
- It is not as easy, however, to bring a new love interest into the home. When you do, it's a good idea to make the kids feel as they come first. Otherwise, you risk creating resentment.
- Help the children not to feel guilty about leaving you when they go with their other parent. Be a role model, someone who can take care of herself/himself.
- Children should not have to choose between parents. Parents should set up the visitation arrangements. Over time, the plan can be readjusted.
- Holding grudges and staying angry hurt only the grudge-holder. Once you get past that, try to have an acceptable relationship with your ex. Great for you, great for your kids!
- Until they are older, children do not need to know why you are getting or got divorced. Maybe they won't believe that you fell out of love, but this is one time it's okay to color the truth.
- First save yourself, so that you can save your children. Do your best to eat well, get enough sleep and exercise. Try doing yoga. If you set a good example for taking care of yourself, it can put a contagious smile on your face. (I know, that is a lot to hope for, especially in the beginning, but a healthy regimen will help you feel better and, thus, create a happier home.)
- The driving force for parents' choices should be what's best for the kids.
- Accept that sometimes you have to suck it up.
- Everyone wins if you foster a good enough relationship with your ex to enjoy holidays and vacations together though, understandably, this is often too much to hope for.
- Divorce and children do not have to spell doom. It is not the divorce per se that has the potential to injure children as much as how the parents handle the divorce.
See my bio for links to my relationship, family, healthy recipe, death, travel and other posts as well as to my blog, Confessions of a Worrywart.
See also:
*A Woman Talks About Sex From Her 20's To Her 60's (fascinating and relatable)
*Are You Having Less Sex Than You Think You Should? One Woman's Story
*Joyce Maynard Adopted Two Girls From Ethiopia Then Gave Them Up
*Family Vacation With My Ex & Daughters
*He Asked, "Am I Going To Die?" I Had To Tell Him, "Yes You Are."
*Can Separate Bedrooms Save Or Destroy A Marriage?
*Hipster Dog Names and Quirky Dog Photos
