Do Adopted Children Really Feel Abandoned?

Whenever I tell someone I'm adopted, the first question they ask me is, "Do you want to find your real parents?" When they say "real," they are referring to my birth parents. This question in and of itself implies that I am missing something in this world, and seems to fit in with the perception that adopted children feel abandoned in some way.

Abandoned or Curious?

I've spoken openly about my childhood growing up with an alcoholic father, which was very difficult, but even with that, I never longed to have different parents. Sure, my dad drank and this created tons of problems, but guess what? I still have plenty of family that I love and care about. Growing up as an adopted kid doesn't guarantee you a rose garden, but neither does living with your birth parents.

In fact, the word "abandoned" really tends to annoy me. When you're told you're adopted (as I was from the beginning), you think, "Hmm, wonder what happened there?" There's a huge difference between being abandoned and being curious about your start in life. I always wondered about where I got my looks from, or if I shared any characteristics with my birth family, but is that the same as feeling abandoned? Not to me, and especially not as an adult.

In fact, as an adult I appreciate my individual path even more. I know that having me in the 60s was a difficult thing to do for an unwed mother, and giving me up so I could have a better life was a gift. You can't help hearing the stories of how you were born, given to social services, lived in a foster home, and then finally adopted and think, "Wow, God has really guided me along this life path."

The Specialness of Adoption

Part of the continued analysis of abandonment as it relates to adoption comes from the curiosity of it all. Isn't it interesting to learn that someone was adopted? You immediately wonder about how they were born, what led to them being raised in a differently family, and what they inherited from their genes as opposed to their environment.

I wondered about all these things myself. Did I get my creativeness from my DNA, or from the fact that my adopted family as a whole is very creative? And how did I manage to have the exact same sense of humor that my adopted grandfather had? The questions bring on new possibilities, and all of it is fascinating.

I don't believe that you can wish away certain events in your life without having the whole of your life changed. I think that if you try and change one thing about your life, everything ends up changing. I like where this path has led me.

The Fantasy of the Perfect Birth Parent

I was never the type of kid that had unrealistic fantasies about my birth parents, although I know some people do. When you are a child and your parents have just grounded you (or in my case, your parent is drunkenly screaming and threatening you), it's easy to think "my birth parents have to be better than this."

As an adult, my opinion couldn't be more different. If I didn't grow up the way I did (with the people I did), would I still have the friends I have? Would I still have the happy marriage I have? Would I be the same type of writer? Would I be a writer at all?

Each of us has a different outlook and opinion on adoption that can vary widely based on individual experiences. Even with that, most of the adopted adults I talk to do not feel abandoned, and this is an important point. When you're measuring the consequences of adoption, it's important to look at the whole of someone's life. Not a few years here and there during childhood, but your life and perspective as an adult.

More in Family:

• What Is Love?
• How to Get Mom and Dad to Share Their Memories
• How to Love