Economics and Couple Dynamics Over the Holidays

With the unemployment rate at 8.6 percent, many husbands and wives are feeling more stressed than jolly this holiday season. To find out more about how the economy is changing family dynamics, I talked with Nashua, N.H., psychologist Carl Hindy, co-author of If This Is Love, Why Do I Feel So Insecure? Excerpts:

What might be a silver lining for couples when money is tight?

It forces us to re-evaluate our priorities and look at what are the real determinants of day-to-day happiness in our lives.

According to a Princeton University study last year, $75,000 a year is a magical number. Below it, people are unhappier. But above it, they are no happier. Why?

I think the takeaway message is that once your basic needs are met and you're freed somewhat from the day-to-day worries about basic survival needs, food and shelter, covering the immediate bills, money no longer correlates with happiness. So what does? Other research shows that happiness is really related to your relationships with others, with your feelings of involvement in life, and challenges and mastery and accomplishments, and so-called flow experiences.

What's a flow experience?

When you're caught up in whatever you're doing, a challenge, a task, a mastery thing, you're absorbed. You know those moments when someone comes up from behind you, and you're startled? When you're really caught up in something, you're free from all the extraneous, intruding thoughts that constitute our worries and get in the way of our living in the moment. You have clarity of mind, a purpose.

Is the message that no matter what you're income level is, find what you love?

Yes. It can be playing chess. You can be tweaking that photo you took the other day. You can use that photo as a gift to your friends. It doesn't have to be an expensive thing.

What is your advice to couples trying to figure out how to be happy with less money to spend?

It begs the issue of having to explore what determines your happiness. Were you really happy with the money? I sometimes joke to clients that are so caught up in making the money but are not happy, "I know what you mean. You want to be sure that when the day comes that you figure out what you need to be happy, that you'll be able to afford it." It's sort of like they're collecting green stamps for the future. They're always sort of living for future happiness, rather than happiness today. Then when that flow of money is disrupted by the economy, they're panicked. They were living for the future. They weren't living for today.

Could it bring couples together to work on a budget for the first time?

When does hardship bring people together? Whenever something difficult happens, when I'm dealing with a couple, the first thought or idea I put out is, "How can this bring you together rather than come between you?" When are people brought together by hardship? I think about some of the natural disasters. When a natural disaster happens (a flood, a big power outage, Katrina), people pull together and work toward a common goal. They're not blaming each other for what happened. People pull together when there's this unity of purpose.

What about spouses blaming each other for hard times?

Avoid blaming. Have a unity of purpose looking forward. "I told you that you shouldn't have taken this job 10 years ago." This is all 20/20 hindsight. Don't use 20/20 hindsight to judge your partner.

What about volunteering, even if you're facing tough times yourself?

Certainly. That gets you outside of yourself and widens your frame of reference.

So financial hardship doesn't need to lead to marital problems?

Right. New Hampshire has the highest median family income in the country. We're among the lowest in unemployment. You'd think this is a great place. We have people who are fully employed, but they're under the constant stress of insecurity that they could lose all that. There is no certainty.

What can couples do to avoid feeling so much uncertainty?

We live long-term lives in a short-term world. Companies worry about this quarter. It's the news that's going to be announced about this quarter that determines the stock. That makes us harder for us to dream about our futures. It's important for couples to have dreams they share and to talk about their future. Things we want to do some day when the kids are grown, or maybe even next year. Next year we want to build a new deck or move to a new house or have a beach house. They're in the future. The uncertainty of living in a short-term world makes it hard to feel good about these dreams because the carpet could be pulled out from you. Don't abandon your dreams because you're living in a short-term world. The future is important.

Why are these dreams so important?

You need to feel these dreams are attainable. With "eat, drink, and be merry because tomorrow we die," we might just as well run up the credit cards. We need to not succumb to a short-term life where we're just gong to live for today. "I'll charge up the credit cards. We'll worry about it next year."

So couples need to be positive and care about the future?

Right. And feel that it really is in your control. As much as things are all over the board, it's sort of like the stock market. If you're watching it every day, you're plagued by anxiety. Control the positive things in life you can control. I've lost 40 pounds. I want to control what I can control. There are a lot of things I can't control – the recession and corporate greed. But I can decide that I'm going to lose weight and do it.  It relates to research on willpower by Carol Dweck at Stanford. If you believe you have control over things, you will.

For more stories about the holidays, read:

Why You Should Write a Christmas Letter Now!

How to Bake the Best Christmas Cookies

Christmas Thank You Notes

Exchanging Gifts with Family Members: How to Reduce the Angst

How to be a Great Holiday Party Guest and Host