A Guide to Non-Toxic Divorce

It was a big year for divorces: Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren, Sandra Bullock and Jesse James, Shania Twain and Robert "Mutt" Lange. They're common (nearly half of 16-year-olds have lived through one). But that doesn't make them any less traumatic for kids, regardless of their age. If you find yourself singing "The Breakup Song," here's what you can do:

1. Be civil. No "I'm OK, you're not OK" allowed. "The outcome for kids is inversely proportional to the amount of fighting the parents do," says Dr. Joseph Hagan, former chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics' committee on psychosocial aspects of child and family health and co-editor of the AAP's Bright Futures: Guidelines for Health Supervision of Infants, Children, and Adolescents. "Divorce is to sever a marital contract. It's not about torturing your former spouse." Watch your tone of voice, too. (Think of Elvis Costello's angry-sounding "I'm Not Angry.") Woods and Nordegren appear to be taking the get-along approach. In a statement, they said: "Once we came to the decision that our marriage was at an end, the primary focus of our amicable discussions has been to ensure their [the kids'] future well-being."

2. Tell kids it's not their fault. Otherwise, they may feel they're to blame. Explain that you and their other parent loved each other but grew apart. Then say, "It [the divorce] has nothing to do with you," says psychologist Marcella Weiner, co-author of The Love Compatibility Book. "We found it difficult for us to live together."

3. Reassure kids that you love them. You may feel down on romance and think love stinks. But no fair yelling, "You're just like your father!" Kids need to know that you adore them.

4. Make sure kids know you and your spouse tried your best. "You both feel you've done everything you could, but you've come to the conclusion there are things that are irreconcilable," says psychologist Marsha Levy-Warren, author of The Adolescent Journey.

5. Spell out logistics. And make them as easy as possible. "Kids are very protective of their own schedules and own lives, and they don't like being shuttled back and forth according to someone else's rules and needs," says Levy-Warren.

6. Remember it's all about them. Not you. "With teenagers, the last thing they want to be concerned about is their parents' relationship. They want to be thinking about their own relationship," says Levy-Warren. "What they think about is, 'This is a pain in the rear. Dad's house is too far from my friends.'"

7. Be honest. Don't keep your impending divorce secret. Be upfront, and jointly tell your kids about it. Say what will change and what will stay the same. Don't encourage kids to try to reunite you, a la "The Parent Trap." If you're committed to riding solo, say so.

8. Skip the gory details. Kids don't need to know about affairs. But if they come out, make it clear indiscretions rarely happen in untroubled marriages, says Levy-Warren. "It's important kids understand that."

9. Remain a good role model. Don't start abusing alcohol or drugs or sleeping around. And don't engage in behavior that would be "considered ugly on the junior high school playground," says Dr. Elizabeth Berger, a child psychiatrist and author of Raising Kids with Character. That means no "asking the offspring to keep secrets" or "bad mouthing the absent ex," she says.

10. Act your age. "[Sometimes] the parents' immaturity forces the kids into the position of being the grownup," says Berger. Your teen still needs you, even if he looks tall, self-sufficient, and independent. Don't think, "What a grownup! I'm so glad I don't have to be the parent to that kid all day long any more," says Berger.

11. Stay involved. "[Kids] need the attention, devotion, and empathic listening that only a parent can give," says Berger. "It is not uncommon for teenagers to describe that they have been cheated twice by the divorce — first by the parents' failure to achieve a happy home within their marriage, and second by the parents giving up their roles as supportive parents."

12. Be present. The American Academy of Pediatrics notes that only one in six children from families of divorce see their dad at least once a week. Joint custody, with kids feeling they truly live in (rather than just visit) two homes, typically works best. Don't cancel time together at the last minute.

13. Avoid forcing kids to take sides. "Don't let the kids become pawns," says Hagan. No spying. No messenger duties. And don't drag your kids into petty battles over who gets the dogs or the leaf blower.

14. Listen. Is your daughter worried about money since she knows it's more expensive to maintain two homes? Is she dreading the public evidence of your divorce in the student address book sent to everyone at her school?

15. Be on alert for signs of trouble. Seek help from your doctor if you suspect your child is falling behind in school, getting frequent stomach aches or headaches, feeling builty or angry, abusing drugs, or suffering from any other physical or psychological problems. (In July, Jesse James testified that as a result of his custody battle with ex-wife Janine Lindemulder, 6-year-old daughter Sunny "acts out, she's more agitated, she has sleeping problems.")

16. Read all about it. Check out the American Academy of Pediatrics' "Divorce: How to Help Your Teenager," the AAP's policy statement on helping families deal with divorce and separation, the Nemours Foundation's tips, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry's facts for families, and helpguide.org's guidelines. One recommended book: Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child.

Good luck.