Kiss & Zutell: My Son's A Party Animal--and a College Flunkie

Dear Kiss & Zutell—

My son finished freshman year in college with an "impressive" 2.1 grade point average. My husband and I are working our butts off to put him through college and he's obviously not working at all. I know he's out partying all night, sleeping all day and skipping class. I want him to finish college, but I don't want to waste my money so he can spend four years on what seems to be a very expensive vacation. He was such a good student in high school. I'm a …

Fed Up Mom

Dear FUM—So junior got his first taste of independence and went wild. It happens all the time. But he really isn't as independent as he thinks he is, is he? Sure, he's away from the watchful eyes of his parents, but they're paying the bills. He's got the best of both worlds—freedom from his parents and their financial support. It's a false freedom. He may not feel like he has to answer to you  (there's no curfew, no dad waiting by the window to hear the car pull up, no mom making sure he's alone in the bedroom), but he does.  

If you don't pay the bills, he'll have to get a job; but without a college education, it won't be a very good one.

These are the things you need to remind him of. Tell him you're not going to pay for his four year Animal House lifestyle. Give him one more chance. Put it in terms he can relate to—tell him he's on double secret academic probation. Tell him he has a semester to make improvements or he's done. Give him a specific grade point average he needs—at least a 2.5? 3.0? Whatever you think he's capable of, minus a few points because well, he's in college.

But if you set a goal like this, you have to stick to it, as heartbreaking as it might be for you. If he doesn't meet the GPA you demanded, then he's out until he's more mature. And out doesn't mean sitting at home doing his best Graduate impression. It means getting a job at the supermarket. Or an even more exciting and glamorous all night convenience store.

The most important part of an ultimatum is sticking to it. So make sure your little Bluto knows you're serious.

It's time for you to transform yourself from Florence Henderson to Doug Niedermeyer. I can recommend a place that sells chromed helmets and riding crops. Practice this line: Now drop and give me twenty!