A Last Minute Valentine's Gift Giving Guide

Sometime today or tomorrow, you may find yourself at a chocolatier or greeting card shop or gift store. If you have a few extra seconds, stop and look around at your fellow patrons. Will you see guys smiling as they peruse the red-velvet hearts, trying to decide whether their loves will prefer a pound of truffles or the two-pound assortment? No, you'll see mostly furrowed brows and set jaws because these are usually purchases made under duress. Admit it, ladies, woe unto he who allows the sun to set on Valentine's Day without delivering the expected tribute.

Who decided that chocolate should be the coin of the romantic realm? Why even eat it - it should come with a roll of duct tape so we can apply it directly to our hips. How did these customs get such a hold on our culture and why do we let marketers dictate how we celebrate them, or if at all? I propose we take back Valentine's Day and gifting by dividing it up so it's more in sync with the various phases of romance and relationships. Kind of like Dante's nine circles, which I'll re-brand as the Phases of Romance.

Here's the table for you viewing and gifting pleasure.

ROMANCE PHASE                                                 APPROPRIATE GIFT IDEAS

1) Early Dating                                                         BIG chocolate heart, sappy card

2) Intimate Dating                                                     trashy lingerie

3) Cooling dating/nearing breakup                          SMALL chocolate heart, Peanuts card

4) Making up/in-love again                                      trashy lingerie, weekend getaway

5) Engaged                                                             MEDIUM chocolate heart, sappy card

6) Married (Happily)                                                MEDIUM chocolate heart, Peanuts card

                                                                                (also signed by the kids)  

7) Divorcing                                                           Card — from ATTORNEY          

8) Married (silver annv.)                                        Sterling heart-shaped pillbox  for meds

9) Married (Golden annv)                                     EZ-read card; 14-karat alert bracelet

Happy Valentine's Day!