There are a lot of great Christmas songs, but here is a list of Christmas carols that I can't turn off fast enough.
1. Christmas Time is Here from a Charlie Brown Christmas. Yes, I know this is nearly blasphemous of me. After all, Charlie Brown is a national treasure. So let me rephrase—this song would be great…at a funeral. But as a Christmas song? Its melody belies its lyrics—Christmas time is here. Happiness and Cheer. Really? When I hear this I see Charlie in a strait-jacket on a Thorazine drip.
2. Little Saint Nick by the Beach Boys. It's a catchy tune. But every time it gets to the lyrics— Christmas comes this time each year—I think, duh! That's the best you could do? What happened? Did Mike Love and Brian Wilson get high and call it a day. "Let's wrap it up." "But we need a few more words to finish it." "Just write anything and pass the bong."
3. Christmas Canon. Years ago, the Trans Siberian Orchestra took Pachelbel's wedding staple, Canon in D, and turned it into a Christmas song with lyrics and everything. And every time I hear it, I imagine it being sung by a bunch of knife wielding children-of-the-corn Christmas carolers.
4. The Twelve Days of Christmas. Some great singers have done this one. But does anyone really listen to the whole song? I max out at about day six with the geese a layin'. I mean, really, six geese? It sounds like a big mess. I think true love's a little passive aggressive.
5. Any song with barking dogs. A canine group called The Barking Dogs put out an entire album called A Dog's Christmas. It featured Christmas songs from Deck the Halls to O Little Town of Bethlehem, all barked. They should have really gone for the gusto and recorded a park of Rottweilers with kennel cough. I can't imagine anything worse—except perhaps setting a toddler's temper tantrum to Jingle Bells.
