In light of the Broadwell Petraeus news, women are wondering more these days about men and affairs. It made me think of couples I know who have been in cheating relationships.
Becky and John were college sweethearts. Becky's parents were divorced and her mother had often warned her about cheating spouses.
After graduating from Penn State and living together for two years, Becky and John married. Two years later they gave birth to twin daughters.
Neither Becky nor John was surprised that, once they had children—twins no less—the romance they experienced before the girls were born became a memory as distant as the derivatives they had struggled through in calculus class.
Once the girls entered school, Becky and John began taking annual vacations to remote beaches. For that one week each year, they rekindled the flame they had remembered. But as surely as they returned to their routines of daily life, a numbness in their relationship returned.
Neither suspected the other of entering into cheating relationships, though each had privately fantasized about it.
After ten years of marriage, Becky and John felt so remote from each other that they tried a separation, during which time they went to joint as well as individual therapy. After several months, each realized the importance of raising their girls together and also what the two of them meant to each other. "The separation made our relationship stronger," says Becky.
Another decade went by and now both girls attended Penn State. "Going from two girls at home to none was like doubling down on the empty nest syndrome," explains John. "The house became so quiet that Becky and I started watching television during dinner. We had become one of those couples you read about who exchange maybe 50 words a day and that's it."
After a while, John no longer hurried home for dinner and Becky started eating alone. The lonelier she felt, the more she ate and the more it seemed that John stayed away. Becky began thinking of her mother's admonitions about men and affairs.
One Saturday afternoon, four hours after John supposedly went to the gym, Becky began to rifle through his briefcase. It did not take long until she found evidence that John was cheating: a note from a woman in the accounting firm where John worked.
When Becky confronted John, he immediately confessed and he told her he needed some time. John moved out and the two went back into therapy. "I wavered between immediately beginning divorce proceedings and waiting to see what would happen," says Becky.
Most of her friends wanted her to dump John. But one friend, who was already divorced, said, "Take your time. Divorce, even with kids who are out of the house, is so tough."
Becky followed her friend's advice. Patience paid off and she and John are back to the loving relationship they had before kids, but now it is so much more. She told me it isn't easy to wait it out; it takes time and a lot will, but you can regain the trust and "it is so worth it."
See my bio for links to all of my relationship articles, healthy recipes, organizing posts and more as well as to my blog, Confessions of a Worrywart.
See also:
*A Woman Talks About Sex From Her 20²s To Her 60²s (fascinating and relatable)
*Parenting a Parent as He or She Ages
*Are You Having Less Sex Than You Think You Should? One Woman's Story
*Can Working Women Have It All?
*Hipster Dog Names and Quirky Dog Photos
*Joyce Maynard Adopted Two Girls From Ethiopia Then Gave Them Up
*Living Together: Men Speak Out With Advice About Sex and More
*He Asked, "Am I Going To Die?" I Had To Tell Him, "Yes You Are."
*Can Separate Bedrooms Save Or Destroy A Marriage?
*Family Vacation With My Ex & Daughters, Part 1
*Divorce, Downsizing, Dating & Death: One Woman's Story
*Meet Susan Orlins on NBC's Life Goes Strong*
