Midlife and Moving Back Home? College Grad Coming Back to the Nest? Tips on How to Cope With Moving in with Your Daughter/Mother

The Nest is Full: 85 Percent of New College Grads are Moving Back in With Mom and Dad

Maybe you're the midlife parent of a new college graduate, the parent of a newly-divorced midlifer or the daughter of an ailing, aging parent: There is an excellent chance you are now or will soon be living with family members you thought would be living on their own. The numbers are staggering.

Time reports that 85 percent of new college graduates are moving back in with their parents.

USA Today reports that household size is growing for first time in 50 years (and remember, we're having fewer children).

It's all over the news. The Wall Street Journal Blogs recently wrote: Moving Back in With Mom and Dad – at 52

With all these folks living together again I thought we could use some expert advice on how to get along. I asked Social Psychologist Susan Newman, blogger at Psychology Today, author of 15 books, most recently, Under One Roof Again: All Grown Up and (Re)learning to Live Together Happily, for her advice. 

Dr. Newman wrote the following tips I am thrilled to share with you:

By Susan Newman, Ph.D.

If You're Moving In, You Must Move On

When you return to live with your mother as an adult—or she moves in with you—the issues and comments that set you off years, even decades, ago can become magnified. Age and accomplishments don't give you immunity against insults and personal attacks, or the anger and resentment they create. However, if it's time to move in together, it's time to move on. Whatever life disruption is forcing you home, these suggestions will help smooth the rocky relationship you may have with your mother and make living together pleasant, at the least, far more acceptable than you thought. In spite of adjustments on everyone's part, you can go home again with or without children in tow and build a friendship and camaraderie with your mother unlike what you had before.

Be Realistic: Everyone has memories of the years you lived together the first time, some divine, some not so great. Those recollections can flavor how you think about the new arrangement. What you remember from the past and hope to attain become expectations for the "new regime." Don't expect more than you received years ago, and you just may be pleasantly surprised. Said another way, lower your expectations.

Adjust Your Attitude: Change how you think about your mother. Focus on her positives rather than what you view as negative. Work around the things you believe your mother can't or won't change. Understand that there will be an adjustment period, so give it time. It will work out if you and she agree that living together is the most sensible arrangement for your current situation.
 

Put Boundaries in Place: When you live together again, boundaries can blur quickly. You will want to install ground rules that reshuffle the boundaries to ensure your mother's and your freedom, comfort, and happiness. As well as she may understand you (or think she does), she can't know what you are thinking and feeling all the time.
Establishing boundaries may include limits on computer time for your children or what's in the cupboard and put on the table. If you are dieting or have strong preferences or nutritional needs, discuss the matter, or decide you can live with your mother's choices. You can also put yourself in charge of grocery shopping and meal preparation to resolve food issues.

In whatever lines you draw, explain how much you love her. If your mother does something to upset you, consider if it is worth mentioning, and if it is, you might say: "When you do that, I feel as if I'm 12-years-old again." Or, "When you say that you make me feel as if you are judging me." She may not even realize that her comments or actions bother you, many of which can be leftovers from your mommy-child years. Those years are behind you.

Protect Your Time: For the mother who would like nothing better than to monopolize you. Figure out if the desire to be together or compunction to be accessible is a problem—and if it is your problem or hers. Go over your schedule to demonstrate how restricted your time is. Determine the time you want to devote to your mother so that it doesn't disrupt your life and giving it doesn't pressure you.

 "Grandma Said, I Could": When you and your children live with your mother, ideally, raising your children becomes a joint effort with you in charge. To insure that it does, don't take advantage of a good thing by overburdening your mother with too many childcare responsibilities. Watch for signs you may need to lighten her load. Remind your children that they are to follow grandma's instructions and always speak favorably of her in front to them. Don't be jealous of the time your mother spends with her grandchildren—it helps you tremendously and is precious for all concerned.

Be Grateful: Remember your mother (or daughter) is doing you a favor. Be appreciative—say thank you for the things she does for you. Even if the relationship wasn't great to start, it can improve.