‘Mom. Dad. I’m Gay.’

Millions of parents—from Cher to Dick Cheney—have learned that their kids are gay. If you find yourself in their shoes, what should you do? Some tips:

Know the facts. Males typically feel their first awareness of homosexual attraction at around age 9 and females at around age 10, and both "self-identify" around age 16, says Dr. Michelle Barratt, professor of pediatrics at the University of Texas at Houston, a former member of the American Academy of Pediatrics' committee on adolescence. But the overall incidence of homosexuality is unknown. Alfred Kinsey said 10 percent of men are predominantly gay. In Britain, a National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles found that 6.3 percent of men and 5.7 percent of women had ever had sex (including genital contact) with a same-gender partner. Other studies and surveys find lower figures. Yet a 2002 Gallup Poll found that a typical American thinks 21 percent of men and 22 percent of women are gay.

Respect your child for talking to you. "It is always appropriate for parents to say with love and appreciation that they are thrilled to be included in the child's trust," says Dr. Elizabeth Berger, a child psychiatrist and author of Raising Kids with Character. Tell your child that you hope you can always communicate about anything important to either of you. "Any intimate communication, and especially a 'coming out' announcement, needs to be honored for the content expressed and not dismissed or contradicted or pooh-poohed," says Berger.

Read all about it. Many parents of homosexual kids recommend Straight Parents, Gay Children. In it, author Robert Bernstein writes about how he learned to accept and support his lesbian daughter and about the founders and leaders of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (better known as PFLAG). Other books about the issue include Love, Ellen: A Mother/Daughter Journey, by Ellen DeGeneres's mother, Mom, Dad, I'm Gay, and Beyond Acceptance: Parents of Lesbians & Gays Talk About Their Experiences. Don't forget to read up on the history of homosexuality, which will remind you that what's "normal" varies greatly across eras and cultures. In ancient Greece, for example, adult men took on adolescent boys as lovers.

Talk to families who have been through it. Find a nearby chapter of PFLAG—an easy way for parents to meet each other. And you and your child can visit sites for the support and advocacy group LAMBDA, which offers a "Youth OUTreach" program, and the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD), which also offers many resources for teens. Also helpful: the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network and the Gay-Straight Alliance Network.

Realize that mixed emotions are normal. Many parents initially experience grief, guilt, and denial. Sometimes they think it's their "fault." It's not. Read PFLAG's do's and don't's. A couple examples: Do get professional help for a family member who gets severely depressed over the news. Don't assume that your loved one should see a professional counselor or encourage them to participate in "reparative therapy." Do say, "I love you." Don't insist that your morality is the only right one. The American Academy of Pediatrics clinical report, "Sexual Orientation and Adolescents," notes that coming out "has the potential for intense family discord."

Resist the urge to say, "You'll grow out of it." "A parent who hopes to disguise resentment, horror, or disapproval by saying, 'Oh—you'll grow out of that,' is really being disrespectful of the child's integrity," says Berger. A child may grow out of being gay, just as he may grow out of being a concert violinist. "But such parental responses are condescending to the child's current assessment of that identity," says Berger. "People of every age in life may make changes in their sexual preferences just as they often make other kinds of changes." Don't try to change your child. "Few things that a child becomes are things that parents can control," says Berger. "Looking for a 'treatment' to make a self-identified gay child or adult 'not gay' is very unlikely to go anywhere constructive."

Be honest. It's OK to say that you're working through it—but be sure to add, "I love you no matter what," says Dr. Daniel Levy, a developmental pediatrician who sits on the American Academy of Pediatrics' committee on communications and media. "There's scarcely a family where this happens where there isn't some level of shock." His position: "I believe in total honesty with your kids." The caveat: you may want to work through some of your biases with other parents or a therapist, not with your child, says Barratt. "This usually should be with other adults and support people, not their teen."

Be open-minded. Even if your child has not come out as gay (but you suspect he is), you can "create a safe space," as PFLAG calls it. Openly talk about lesbian-gay-bisexual-transgender issues (such as same-sex marriage and workplace discrimination) in a non-personal way. PFLAG recommends creating a safe space by showing your support of LGBT issues on a non-personal level.  For example, take an interest in openly discussing and learning about topics such as same-sex marriage or LGBT rights in the workplace. Learn about LGBT communities and culture.

Recognize you may not be as enlightened as you thought. That's common. "You're liberal—except when it happens at home," says Dr. Ben Siegel, professor of pediatrics and psychiatry at Boston University. He compares these feelings to those of Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn's liberal, upper-class characters in the 1967 film "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner." When their only daughter brings home her black fiancé (played by Sidney Poitier), "Spencer hits the roof." The movie, says Siegel, addresses people's conscious and unconscious prejudices. (In it, Tracy says, "100 million people in this country will be shocked, offended and appalled at the two of you.")

Understand that not everyone is accepting. Last year five of the 10 titles on the American Library Association's top ten most frequently challenged books list included homosexuality. (No. 2: the picture book And Tango Makes Three, a true story about two male penguins who raise a baby together.) Of course, religious denominations vary in how much they accept attraction to people of the same gender. And groups such as Focus on the Family oppose the "legitimization" of homosexuality.

Take comfort in signs of change. Stars such as "American Idol" singer Adam Lambert and "Glee" actor Chris Colter are "out"—and remain extremely popular. And Colter's "Glee" character, Kurt Hummel, came out to his father on the show and now is reportedly getting a boyfriend—the captain of the football team. Can you imagine anyone on "The Brady Bunch" portraying a gay character? Times are changing.