‘Popular’ Kids: Handling the Teen Caste System

"You got designer shades just to hide your face, and you wear them around like you're cooler than me. And you never say hey or remember my name. It's probably cuz you think you're cooler than me."

Chances are that your teenage or twentysomething sons and daughters are crooning the lyrics to "Cooler Than Me," Mike Posner's catchy song about a pretty-but-haughty crush who ignores him. Or that they're following the "Gossip Girl" TV series and novels, with the "cool" kids hooking up and spreading rumors about each other. Or that they're renting the DVD for the "Mean Girls," with Lindsay Lohan's previously home-schooled character falling in with "The Plastics" — three nasty-but-beautiful teens who rule the roost. Or that they're simply talking about the popular kids at school. Here's how you can take advantage of these teachable moments, especially if you're concerned that your child is feeling left out:

Discuss group dynamics. Your kids may mention that "the populars" sit together in the school cafeteria. What happens when regular teens try to squeeze in at the table? "Talk to them about it almost sociologically," says psychologist Marsha Levy-Warren, author of The Adolescent Journey. "Give them a slight measure of distance from it so they can observe."

Share your childhood experiences. Did you hang out with, or want to hang out with, the "cool" kids? How did you feel about the group you belonged to? It's understandable that teens would like a good circle of friends. "Every child wants to be accepted," says Dr. Daniel Levy, a developmental pediatrician who sits on the American Academy of Pediatrics' committee on communications and media.

Bring up TV shows and movies. "Glee" (about chorus kids who don't fit in with the popular crowd) helps teens see it's possible to get a sense of belonging as part of a "nerdy" group. Kudos to school newspapers, orchestras, debate teams, and math clubs!

Figure out how your teens feel about the cool clique. Do they want to join it? Should they? Ask, "'What's the reason for being popular with this group?'" asks psychologist Marcella Weiner, co-author of The Problem Is the Solution: A Jungian Approach to a Meaningful Life. "Is that what you really want?" Why do your teens think kids want to be popular? Is it to show off and get attention? Or is it because they think the opposite sex will like them better? (In some schools, popular kids tend to have five "boyfriends" before they hit seventh grade.)

Avoid making judgments. "It isn't usually helpful for the parent to try to persuade a youngster that the popular kids are just stuck-up or over-dressed or drunk," says Dr. Elizabeth Berger, a child psychiatrist and author of Raising Kids with Character. "Being popular is fun. But it isn't the only way to have fun."

Be unbiased. "The parents' best approach is to try to be fairly neutral, a good listener," says Berger. "The youngster who is unhappy being excluded from the popular crowd may need actual help mastering social skills or may just need a listening ear to work through the transition to a different crowd — the crowd of quirky artists or math geeks or underground writers."

Determine who's in the "in" group. "Are these the kids who are self-proclaimed popular, or do the other kids really like them?" says clinical social worker Bobbie Sandoz-Merrill, co-author of Settle for More. "Are these the mean girls who make everyone else feel left out?" Or not. Many teens think popular kids are nice when they're on their own, but act differently when they're with their group. Often these teens are more likely to wear expensive, designer duds.

Talk about who is worthy of admiration. Is it really someone who struts around in $150 jeans? Or is it an accomplished violinist and mathematician who is always kind to a peer with autism in her homeroom? Who is a better role model?

Acknowledge that your kids are the experts. Recognize they know more about their world than you do, says Levy-Warren. "We don't know what it's like to be a teenager now unless we talk to our kids about it. What we're conveying is that we have respect for their capacity to observe and think about what's going on." That's important if you want them to feel confident and make wise choices. "If all they're doing is experiencing what's going on and feeling envious, it's harder for them to make yes and no decisions at a party about whether they're going to get high or not," says Levy-Warren. "If they have a sense that they have independent judgment, and you as a parent feel very strongly that they do and respect them for having it, they're more likely to be able to develop and exercise it. Our job is to help them make the best decisions they can."

Weigh in: What do your teens say about the "popular" kids?

Related links:

Who Are Your Teens Crushing On?

Which Singers Are Your Kids Gaga Over?

Handling Your Child's Crushes

'You're So Embarrassing!'