The Secret To Being (and Having) a True Friend

It was a big crowd at book group last night – enough people that we ran out of chairs and a couple of us had to perch on kitchen stools. We were so loud that a latecomer said you could hear us out on the street even though the windows were closed against an unseasonable chill.

The book under discussion was Room, Emma Donoghue's gripping tale told by a young child born into an 11-by-11-foot room where his kidnapped mother was being held. On Jack's fifth birthday, his mother had been imprisoned for seven years. Looking around the circle at book group, at the animated faces of women I've known for 30 years, I imagined that the biggest hurdle for Donoghue's heroine was surviving all those years without the solace and joy of friendship.

You can actually feel yourself being nourished in the time you spend with your friends. Yet how often do you catch yourself saying, "I love Sarah [or Donna or Claire]. But we're so busy we never get to see each other."

Put Friendship on a Schedule to Keep It Strong

The solution is as simple as it is old-fashioned: scheduling. It's a quaint notion in these days of instant communication, when plans are hatched on the fly, via texting, e-mail and cellphones. Try this: make regular plans with the people you love the most. It's okay to start small, with just one, two or maybe three friends. The point is that once the engagement is on the books, it takes effort to break it, not to make it.

I play Scrabble one afternoon every week with my long-time friends, Melanie and Joan. We all have grandkids (I regard the fact that my first is still on the way as a mere technicality), and what these kids are up to is topic numero uno. It's a wonderful thing to spend a few hours a week with people you've known not weeks, months or even years, but decades.

Likewise, I have a standing brunch with my friend Lesley at on Saturday mornings. She commutes 100 miles roundtrip to New York City for work, so we never see each other during the week. But we know we can count on our Saturdays.

A Good Friend Can Save Your Life

Robert Leahy, PhD, author of Beat the Blues Before They Beat You is my go-to guy when I'm writing psychology pieces. He tells me, "The quality of friendships is better at midlife — for women especially who are likely to have more and better friends than men do." That's important. "One of the predictors of suicide is the sense of connectedness people have. People who don't have friends are at higher risk," Leahy says. He likes the idea of making sure you're seeing friends regularly – eyeball to eyeball, not just in an e-mail or a text.

So dash off an e-mail right now before you log off, suggesting a regular time to get together with a friend. Send her (or him) the link to this blog and say, "We don't spend enough time together. I miss you! Let's make ourselves a standing date." You'll be glad you did: I guarantee it.

For more about the joys and challenges of friendship, check out How Friends Can Keep You Young