Should You 'Fess Up to Your Teens About Any Sex and Drugs and Rock 'n' Roll in Your Past?

Former lotharios such as Warren Beatty and Mick Jagger and former drug addicts such as Keith Richards don't need to obsess over this issue. Their kids can just google up the gory details — or find them in tabloids or in tell-alls. To wit, this year author Peter Biskind published Star: How Warren Beatty Seduced America, which said the star slept with "12,775 women, give or take." And last month a Daily Mail headline read, "Mick Jagger was a serial seducer, says Jerry Hall in her new book."

Jagger doesn't have much of a choice when it comes to how much to tell his kids, but you do. How should you handle this tricky issue?

Don't fib — but you can keep some details to yourself. "Being honest with your child means that you do not lie," says Dr. Elizabeth Berger, a child psychiatrist and author of Raising Kids with Character. "It does not mean that you are obligated to answer any or all of the child's questions about what the parent may or may not have done in bed, or with whom."

Maintain some privacy. "There are aspects of all parents' private lives which are off limits to their offspring," says Berger. You can say so, kindly. "The reality is that parents are not entirely open books to their offspring," says Berger. "It is part of the generational boundary."

Be prepared for a relative (or biographer) to spill the beans for you. In Star: How Warren Beatty Seduced America, the actor's kids can learn that their dad was a virgin until he was 19 years old (and 10 months) — but quickly made up for lost time with girlfriends such as actresses Jane Fonda and Joan Collins. "Parents may need to fess up about that year in college when they did this or that if the child is going to hear about it through the grapevine," says Berger. "It is more destructive if the child hears something from a third party that the parent has absolutely denied to the child. Then the parent is caught in a lie." That can make a child feel more disillusioned with a parent than finding out "the actual content of the story that the parent has tried to hide," says Berger.

Say that was then, this is now. "The parent can say that yes, he was involved in such and such — but still decline to answer prying inquiries," says Berger. Her suggestion: Use a kind tone, and simply say, "'I was an idiot at that time, and that's all I'm going to say about it.'"

Think about age. "A small child can be satisfied with the parent saying, 'Oh, Daddy did some dumb things when he was young,'" says Berger. But teens may keep interrogating you. "Parents can say, kindly and humorously, 'Look. Some parts of your life are private from me, and some parts of my life are private from you. That's the way it is,'" says Berger.

Consider yourself a resource, not a peer. Make sure your kids feel comfortable asking you questions. But you don't need to answer "cheeky personal questions," says Berger. "No parent should be embarrassed to say, 'Excuse me?! That's private information, buddy.'"

Acknowledge making mistakes. "Sometimes it is helpful for children to be told, 'Do as I say, not as I did,'" says Berger. After all, today you're no longer a Casanova or a pot smoker.

Admit to regrets — and lessons learned. If a less-than-flattering detail about your past comes up, you can convey the idea that "it was not a good thing to do," says psychologist Marcella Bakur Weiner, co-author of The Problem Is the Solution: A Jungian Approach to a Meaningful Life. "'This is what I learned from doing it. Yes, when I was 14, I stole something. That was not a good thing to do. I would never do that again because I felt so guilty. I would not want you ever in that position.'" Explain the consequences, or "after effect," of your behavior. "Even if you're not caught, your unconscious knows, or depending on how religious you are, God knows," says Weiner. "The message is it's wrong, and I've suffered since then." You can say you'd like to prevent your child from going through a similar episode, with the resulting remorse.

Weigh in: How much information about your past do you share with your kids?

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