Spanking: What to Do About It

This year a young woman posted a video of her Texas family-law judge dad whipping her with a belt, an Iowa principal gave kids "birthday spankings," and an 11-year-old adopted girl died the day her parents beat her with a 15-inch plastic tube recommended by a Tennessee preacher.

What gives?

Oddly, in a day and age when the American Academy of Pediatrics "strongly opposes striking a child for any reason," spanking remains a common form of discipline. Indeed, corporal punishment expert George Holden, a Southern Methodist University psychology professor, told Time.com that some 70 to 90 percent of parents spank their kids (most often between the ages of 2 and 5).

It's depressing.

And it's an American phenomenon. Today more than 30 countries — but not the United States — now ban corporal punishment at home.  As CNN noted in its thought-provoking story this month, all 50 states allow parents to hit their kids and 19 states allow schools to physically punish students.

But just because something is legal doesn't mean people should do it. (Think about smoking.)

Spanking sends the wrong message

"Spanking to me just teaches children that the bigger person can get their way by brute strength," says pediatrician Michelle Barratt, a fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics, a professor of pediatrics at the University of Texas Health Science Center at Houston, and the mom of five kids (ages 23, 21, 18, 17, and 10). "I believe it teaches children to bully those smaller and weaker than they are."

Even if you were spanked or spanked your own adult kids, you can try to break the cycle when it comes to your grandkids. "Grandparents have the opportunity to give their grown children permission to parent differently than they themselves were parented," says Barratt. "The best parenting is to learn some new options and use them consistently." (She recommends a 1979 title, Redirecting Children's Misbehavior: A Guide for Cooperation Between Children and Adults.)

Of course, many Americans still believe in corporal punishment. Last year the singer Pink told Access Hollywood's Billy Bush that she approves of spanking: "I think parents need to beat the crap out of their kids." (She also said she was "still alive" because her father put her "through a wall.")

Unlike Pink, pediatricians oppose hitting kids. "Spanking teaches a child that causing others pain is OK if you're frustrated or want to maintain control – even with those you love," according to the AAP. "A child is not likely to see the difference between getting spanked from his parents and hitting a sibling or another child when he doesn't get what he wants."

Don't "model aggression," says Nashua, N.H., psychologist Carl Hindy. Instead, he says, "build respect rather than fear."

If you spanked your now-grown kids, you may feel guilty and uncomfortable about talking about it, says Hindy. And you may think or say, "That's what parents did back then," and, "That's what we were expected to do.'"

Constructive discussion

Recognize that multiple generations may benefit from a conversation. "How did your parents feel when they actually were spanking you?" says Hindy. "Did they have their doubts about what they were doing? Fears about failing as parents? Feelings of frustration and not being sure what to do? Were they sometimes so overwhelmed or frustrated that they felt they were starting to cross some sort of line, even back when spanking was commonplace. While some cultural beliefs have changed – and I believe have changed for the better – so many of the challenges of parenting remain the same."

Spanking talks can be tricky. "It is often the case that a parent who hits his child is actually ashamed of it," says child psychiatrist Elizabeth Berger, author of Raising Kids with Character. "Open the dialogue by empathizing with how hard it is to be the perfect parent at all times (something that one's own offspring are generally apt to know well enough first hand). Grandparents can sometimes evoke a constructive discussion without even bringing up the subject of hitting." The adult child then may raise the issue on his own.

To be prepared for a discussion, you may want to read Ask Dr. Sears's "10 Reasons Not to Hit Your Child."  Among them: "hitting may lead to abuse," "hitting does not improve behavior," "hitting promotes anger," "hitting brings back bad memories," and "hitting is actually not Biblical."

Holiday spankings

So why do spankings seem more common over the holidays? "Children are vey liable to misbehave at holiday gatherings (grown ups, too, one might add), and their parents are often especially vulnerable at these times to embarrassment, shame and rage," says Berger. "The alcohol that is often part of holidays gatherings frequently plays its predictable role in parental overreactions as well."

Every age group can react poorly to stress this season. "So many features of the holidays can get children worked up into mischief, and their parents may hit them to save face," says Berger. "Of course, this 'solution' is likely to set other problems in motion."

Here's to a holiday filled with hugging, not hitting.

For more stories about parenting and relationships, read:

Steve Jobs and His Father and Other Famous Estrangements

Famous Estrangements: Part Two

Are You the Parent of a High School Athlete Bound for College?

Jerry Sandusky to Bob Costas: 'I Shouldn't Have Showered with Those Kids'