Talk, Talk, Talk -- and Your Teens

Forget the old notion that guys keep quiet because they're embarrassed to talk about their feelings or because they're worried worry they'll look weak. The reason boys clam up: They're more likely than girls to think discussing their troubles is a waste of time, according to University of Missouri and University of Connecticut researchers.

For their report, "How Girls and Boys Expect Disclosure About Problems Will Make Them Feel," researchers surveyed and observed 2,000 third through ninth graders. Girls, who tended to overdo it, thought talking about difficulties would make them feel cared for, understood, and less alone. Boys said it would make them feel "weird."

So how can you help your teen be a good communicator? Some tips:

Aim for the sweet spot.  "We don't want to push boys to talk so much that they end up looking more like what we see happening with girls, which is this really excessive problem talk," says study co-author Rhiannon Smith, assistant professor of psychology at the University of Connecticut. "Getting both girls and boys to move toward this middle ground is probably the goal for parents."

Encourage girls to stop obsessing. A girl might ask a boy, "Would you like to hang out later?" says Smith. He might say, "Maybe. I don't know." The girl asks her friend, "Do you think he's blowing me off, or is he really thinking about it?" She may say, "Why do you think he said this?" says Smith. Then she may further dissect his comment by texting friends about it. Many girls might benefit from taking "a page from the boys' notebook," she says. "Boys tend to distract themselves using humor to change the subject." And as a result, they may end up using their time more productively.

Promote constructive action. Ask a girl who feels snubbed by a boy how she is going to deal with it, says Smith. "Open the door to say, 'Sometimes talking about these issues with your friends can be really helpful.' But also say, 'There's a limit to this problem talk.'"

Consider using yourself as a same-sex model. A dad can talk to his son about how he got something off his chest – and then was able to move on, says Smith.

Be available."Show you're willing to talk," says psychiatrist Mary Alice O'Dowd, director of psychosomatic medicine in the department of psychiatry and behavioral science at Montefiore Medical Center in the Bronx.  

Look out for true problems.Don't worry too much unless you see a behavior change, such as a teen who no longer wants to be with his friends or leave his room, says O'Dowd.

Remember that teenagers are choosy.  "Young people are quite particular about sharing their thoughts and feelings," says child psychiatrist Elizabeth Berger, author of Raising Kids with Character. "Unlike small children, who are fairly easy to induce to spill the beans with any beguiling adult, adolescents are more sophisticated and suspicious of efforts to pry into their private affairs."

Respect your teen's perspective."Tolerance for ideas and emotions which the adult does not personally share may be necessary," says Berger. "This can be a new experience for some adults whose relationships are viewed in terms of directing and managing other people and who are therefore unaccustomed to respectful listening." Don't fake it. "To listen with deep respect does not mean to pretend to agree," says Berger. "But honest communication is incompatible with dismissing, manipulating, or denigrating the views of the other party."

Understand why teen guys fall back on sports talk."Adolescents have the capacity to hold in their private matters and keep their own council," says Berger. "Limiting the subject under discussion to specific neutral topics such as sports is one technique by which adolescent boys may hold at a distance people that they do not fully trust."

Build trust."Open communication with a teenager requires a ground work of a genuine relationship," says Berger. "Adults need to establish a track record of trustworthiness and integrity with the teenager. The hardest part for many grownups is to rein in their tendency to lecture and to preach. No teenage boy will allow an adult to 'make' him talk or suffer an adult to talk 'at him.'"

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