Talking about Grief

Bereavement can be incredibly isolating. At the time when you most need the support of your friends, they seem to withdraw. No one can understand the depth of your pain — and no one seems to want to hear about it.

You've probably been on the other end of the stick, too. You keep meaning to call your friend to see how he or she is doing, but you're just so busy.

What's going on here? Why do we so often turn away from a friend during a time of loss?

Jenna Baddeley, a doctoral student in social/personality and clinical psychology at the University of Texas, studies the different ways we talk about grief, and the different ways we respond to these stories. She explains that when we turn away from a friend's pain, it's not because we don't care. More likely, we care too much. A compassionate person really feels the other's pain; but, especially in the case of bereavement, can't do anything to lessen that pain. So, in self-protection, the only solution seems to be to withdraw.

Of course, these emotional calculations aren't conscious, they're instinctive. That makes it so much harder for griever and listener to connect.

In her Psychology Today blog, Embracing the Dark Side, Baddeley offers some advice on how to talk about your grief in a way that's most likely to get the response you need. She's found that listeners are most comfortable with stories that at least point to a possible light at the end of the tunnel: "I know that I have to move through this painful period, even though it's so difficult," rather than, "Nothing will ever be the same again."

Yes, it's terribly unfair that at a time when you're devastated, you have to worry about your friend's feelings. But Baddeley points out that being sensitive to your listener's needs and feelings will actually make it more likely that your own needs for support will be met.

She also has advice for the comforter role. It's not necessary to try to fix things, she writes. Listening is enough:

People are sometimes nervous about offering validation or acknowledgment of another's pain for fear that it will make the pain worse or more real. It won't. The pain is already real, and the most comforting thing you can do is to help the griever feel less alone in the pain - and that's what validation does.