Top 10 Ways to Get Teens to Help Out

 We polled experts and parents of teens to get their best tips for getting teens to pitch in around the house. Try them and let us know whether they work for you.

1. Take a Meeting. Holding regular family meetings helps reinforce a sense of interdependency, and it's a good way to discuss and assign chores. "Once teens have input and buy into the vision of interdependence among family members, performing chores will be understood as a responsibility to the family — not just an arbitrary demand placed upon them by parents," says Richard Horowitz, author of Peaceful Parenting: Parent Empowerment and Child Empowerment.

Advises Marcia Naomi Berger, author of The Marriage Meeting Program, "List chores that need to be done; if possible let the teenager choose. If the teenager acts as though a family meeting is so-o-o boring and resists participating, just wait until he or she wants something. Then say, 'Let's talk about that at a family meeting.'"

2. Be clear. Family to-do lists let everyone see the chores that need to be accomplished and help kids understand that everyone in the family contributes. Psychologist Julia Simens makes a one- or two-day plan, for example, what needs to get done on a weekend. "I leave the list out on Friday night and ask each person to add to the list so we see the whole picture," she says. "Then, do the math. We have 10 items on the list and four people so, each person must do two chores and the parents will pick up the last two leftover jobs. Parents must lead by example so they must start this early to reinforce that we are a family and we work together."

3. Let kids compete for the easiest chores. If you have a multi-kid household, list the chores that need to be done. "Tell them that whoever actually gets and stays working on the chore first gets the job. They scramble to get working. No need for me nagging to get them going," says Shannon Christensen of Cameron, Mo.

4. Give teens control. As they grow in independence and individuality in the teen years, your kids crave autonomy. You can feed this need while getting them to pitch in by offering them choices, says child behavior consultant Lesley-Anne Siegel. "Asking them what they think, what
they'd prefer to do, when they'd prefer to do the chores will encourage them to feel as though they are contributors and participants rather than begrudging bystanders," she says.

5. Take hostages. Parents agree that cell phones, game controllers and other electronics are what teens can't live without, so they make excellent bargaining chips. Says Lisa Martin of Richmond, Va., "We have clearly defined non-paying chores which we expect the kids to do. If this isn't done in a timely manner, Xbox controllers mysteriously disappear, iPods vanish...you get the picture."

And don't forget to reinforce the idea that using them is a reward when your teen does do her part, says Los Angeles psychotherapist Peter Getoff. Tell her, "Jane, you asked if you could borrow the car. You took care of your chores this morning — feeding the fish, making your lunch, and walking the dog. Hey, it's all connected. Give and take. Have a good time."

6. Remember "no" doesn't mean no. "Teens are like two year olds in trying to become independent, so ignore their initial resistance," says Kate McCauley, a teacher and psychotherapist in Arlington, Va. "Some teens have to say no before they say yes." Instead of starting a war of wills, McCauley suggests you tell your teen what needs to be done, and the come back a few minutes later and ask him what's his plan to accomplish the chore.

7. Appeal to their better natures. "All humans like feel needed and like to help other humans out when they see that person needs a helping hand. So I would say, 'I could really use your help doing such and such,'" says Ellen Pober Rittberg, author of 35 Things Your Teen Won't Tell You, So I Will.

8. Be flexible. Being mindful that your kid may be involved in something when you approach her is important, says Stephanie Olsen of Ottawa. "As far as I can manage it, I never pull my child away from what she's doing: usually the task can easily wait 30 minutes or more, even though my preference is that it be completed at once." To avoid getting into a nagging cycle, Olsen reminds only twice. The first is a simple reminder; the second has consequences to follow if the task isn't completed.

9. Help them understand quid pro quo. Bill Corbett, author of Love, Limits & Lessons, advises working with your teens to create two lists. The first, the Unconditional List, contains all the things you'll always do for your children, including food on the table, help with homework, and money and supplies for school. The second, the Cooperation List, contains all the things you don't have to provide: use of the telephone, TV or computer, rides to non-critical events. Once you've finalized the lists, post them, and explain to your kids that there are going to be times when you'll need cooperation from them. Says Corbett, "It should not become an eye for an eye policy, and no one should keep score, but rather more like a theme. The more the teen cooperates, the more the parent cooperates."

Susan Tordella, author of Raising Able: how chores empower families, says you can also ask kids to make a list of what they can do to correct the imbalance between all the things you do for them and what they do. "What they offer may surprise you. Even if it seems like a stretch for a young person who has never cooked dinner to say, 'I'll cook dinner once a week,' support them in the effort and be appreciative of the results," she says.

10. Work together. Says Bev Flaxington, author of Understanding Other People: The Five Secrets to Human Behavior, "The best way I've found to get my teenagers to help out around the house is to get involved along with them. It's amazing the open communication they offer and willingness they have to work with me when I take a piece, and give them a piece of some task we need to do, or else we work side by side or in the same area."

"Make it fun," adds Aurelia Williams of Parenting My Teen, "Have them help out to their favorite music: Blast the radio, have them load up their iPod or MP3 player as they help out — and dance around with them."