Wanting sex is important to a healthy marriage. This week the issue of Valentine sex will arise for millions of couples. It presents an opportunity for them to examine how they might derive more pleasure and become closer through physical intimacy.
Sex therapist Laurie Watson, author of Wanting Sex Again: How to Rediscover Your Desire and Heal a Sexless Marriage, offers relationship advice to women and men. She has helped thousands of couples rekindle their desire. Recently, she shared her wisdom with me.
A Secret to Good Sex on Valentine's Day.
Couples go out to dinner, drink too much, and then come home with heartburn. It's late, they are tired, and they fall asleep. Make love first and then enjoy the long connection over a romantic dinner.
For couples with a pattern of infrequent sex, how do you suggest they begin?
The discussion should come from a vulnerable, non-blaming part of you, "I miss making love. I want to feel close."
Be positive and expose your vulnerability. Be seductive rather than saying, "Why don't we have sex anymore? You never seem to touch me. You don't care about me." Avoid this kind of blaming and complaining.
Try saying, "I feel closer to you when we have sex. I want this to be a bigger part of our lives."
Be open and then ask, "What do you want?"
Maybe he says, "I'm comfortable how we are."
Then ask each other, "What can we do?"
Compromise can hurt our souls. Rather, aim to understand each other.
A man's body is fed with desire. His testosterone levels react throughout the day to stimuli in the world around him.
On the other hand there are men with low testosterone. Women too may have low sex drive. They are also more likely than men to experience pain with intercourse, especially after menopause, when the vaginal walls become thinner.
The important lesson here is to address the discrepancy between your different levels of desire.
How You Can Start to Elevate Your Sexual Intimacy
Is infrequent sex a pattern? If so, you need to assess why you are having sex infrequently. Ask, "Is one of us tired or overwhelmed?" Instead of having a power struggle, have a conversation.
Sometimes we avoid the conversation because we are afraid the other person will feel blamed and fear it will push them farther away.
But couples need to have the conversation in order to find solutions.
Often one person has more desire than the other and resolving this desire discrepancy is an important path to a satisfying long-term relationship.
Next: Steps You Can Take in the Bedroom to Regain Intimacy
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