What to Do When You Dislike Your Child’s Friend or Sweetheart

Friends can influence your child for the better — or the worse. Remember when Britney Spears famously shaved her head before a judge put her under the conservatorship of her dad? That arrangement still exists largely because, as radaronline.com notes, "No one wants Britney to fall prey to the people that were in her life during the time when her problems overwhelmed her."

Whether your kids are teens or young adults, what do you do when you're less than thrilled with their choice of friends or sweethearts? A few tips:

1. Don't overreact. One risk of making a big deal out of the friendship: "The more they know you don't like it, the more attached to that person they may become," says Dr. Michelle Barratt, professor of pediatrics at the University of Texas Medical School at Houston, a former member of the American Academy of Pediatrics' committee on adolescence, and the mother of five kids (ages 9, 16, 18, 20 and 22). Figure out why your son or daughter likes this pal  — and why you don't. "Do you fear this child is going to put your child into a drug-abuse habit?" says Barratt. "If you can at least tease out why does this kid not appeal to me but appeal to my child, you can usually figure out, 'how risky is this?'"

2. Be a good role model. In its literature, the American Academy of Pediatrics notes that kids who feel loved and respected within their families are more likely to choose good friends. Try to get along with your spouse and encourage your kids to support each other so they see and experience positive relationships.

3. Make your home hang-out headquarters. "You get a better sense of what these kids are like," says Barratt. Even if you're not fond of certain pals, you can at least see first hand what they're doing. The AAP advises that it's better to "reinforce positive friendships" with kids you like (inviting them to your house or arranging enjoyable activities such as biking or bowling) rather than banning all time spent with "bad influences." You can still feel free to calmly explain the consequences of adopting unacceptable behavior you see in the undesirable friends — and make sure you show that you trust your child to make the right decisions.

4. Talk to your child ASAP. Are your kid's grades slipping since she started hanging out with a new crowd or new beau? What does your son or daughter think she is gaining from her friendship with a dubious pal? A good question to ask about any relationship: "Do you feel like this person is making you a better person? And are you doing the same for them?" says Dr. Mason Turner, chief of psychiatry for Kaiser Permanente in San Francisco. On their own, your kids may have concluded, "no." "It's also important parents teach their kids how to get out of relationships when they're not working," says Turner. "Sometimes people get in relationships, they stay there for many years on end, and they don't know how to get out."

5. Don't judge a book by its cover. Or a kid by his tattoos, purple hair, or pierced nose. "That's not what the kid is like on the inside," says Barratt. "That's their message to the world. 'I'm different.'" And they're hardly outliers: Nearly one in four 18- to 29-year-olds has a piercing somewhere other than an earlobe and four in 10 sport a tattoo, according to a 2010 Pew Research Center report. In fact, about half of these inked young people bear two to five tattoos — though 70 percent say they're hidden beneath clothing. Still, you can feel free to tell your kids what you see as the downsides to emulating the friend's body art. A Pediatrics study found that adolescents with tattoos or body piercings were more likely to have engaged in risk-taking behavior, including disordered eating, drug use, sexual activity, and suicide. (It's unclear which came first — the body art or the behavior.) And if done improperly, tattoos and piercings can lead to skin infections. 

6. Keep an open mind. On the Dec. 5 Larry King show, Stevie Wonder said, "If your vision gives you preconceptions, then you've got a problem with yourself."  Like the famous blind singer, parents need to keep open minds and use senses other than just sight before they conclude that their child's friend is bad news, says Dr. Daniel Levy, a developmental pediatrician who sits on the American Academy of Pediatrics' committee on communications and media.

7. Consider the evidence. What if the friend uses expletives, and you're a puritan when it comes to cursing? Perhaps let it go — as long as your own child doesn't pick up the bad habit. But you may want to intervene if it's well known that your child's friend or sweetheart is stealing, getting in trouble with the law, or not attending school regularly. You don't want to foolishly let your teens keep associating with troublemakers. Instead, talk to them about how "you tend to act like the people you associate with," says Levy. Say, '"I've got to draw the line somewhere, and I'm concerned for your health and safety.'"

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