I am getting a divorce.
Nearly two months after my wife made it clear that that's what was going to happen, it still hurts and it still bothers me.
To be sure, I am not a perfect husband. I'm fully aware of my faults, which include working too much and a short temper at times.
But about four years ago, I made a conscious decision to try to change my ways in the hopes that I could save the marriage and make everyone living at the house — including two teenage boys — happier.
I spent more time in the living room. I became more involved with family outings, and I got away from the computer.
It wasn't enough.
There were so many times when it seemed as if I were the only one trying to make it work. I got frustrated, and the anger — just yelling and nothing else — came out again.
My soon-to-be-ex wasn't willing to "commit" to the new me and held back. I had lost her trust, and I was unable to regain it.
Finally, after six months of good behavior, I got angry again and confronted her behind closed doors after she had told me to "shut up" in front of one of our children after I had asked her a question — one that I was unaware she didn't want to answer.
That was the last straw. Within weeks, we each had attorneys, and I was working with a mortgage broker to refinance the house so that my wife could get her half of the equity.
We had been to counselors — both separate and together. But that didn't seem to work. She picked out the last counselor we saw together, but then stopped going when it got moving too fast.
In the beginning, we both had a lot in common. We both wanted a family. We both were professionals who enjoyed our jobs. And we enjoyed spending time together.
That's all changed now. I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my life now, and to sort out the varying emotions. Some days I'm mad. Some days I'm angry. And some days I'm just glad the struggle is over.
Most days, though, I'm just sad and feel like a failure.
Be sure to check out Chapter 2 in this ongoing series, coming soon.
