Why You Should Be Less than Perfect

I've been feeling overwhelmed with all my work and personal responsibilities, so I was interested to find Cheryl Rezek, PhD, a consultant clinical psychologist and author of Life Happens.

Rezek wrote the book to help us understand that life isn't entirely under our control, and that things happen to us that have nothing to do with how nice we are, how firmly we believe what we get is what we attract to ourselves, or how kind or nasty we are.

She says that we need to give up the ideal of being perfect at everything.

We crave being fully engaged in our own lives and those of our loved ones, and yet we often feel so overwhelmed and depleted that we can't. How can we cope with the overwhelm?

There will always be more difficult or easier times, but the emphasis on this unrealistic fantasy that everything should be wonderful and fine all the time is incredibly unhelpful. If we were only meant to feel one or two emotions then we wouldn't have been endowed with an entire range of them.

It is also very important to take on board that sometimes we feel we ought to be overwhelmed, incredibly busy and never have five minutes to ourselves, because that makes us feel in demand, imposed upon and, dare I say, important. We all have five minutes in a day, and if we don't, then there is a problem. Ask yourself, "What is so unimportant about my life that I don't have five minutes for myself?"

Is there really a way to give my best instead of trying to rush through everything I have to do?

Perhaps the expectation that you can give everything your best all the time, without prioritizing and keeping perspective on it, may be unrealistic. We can't function at peak performance all day, every day, for every task and meet every demand made on us. If that is the expectation then there is the chance that you're setting yourself up for failure or to feel that you're inadequate. Rushing through everything is not a way to be engaged with your life. It's then simply about ticking things off a list and not about your life.

What is the first step in moving from being stuck in anger or resentment to choosing to enjoy what is?

The first step is to acknowledge what you're feeling. It is also helpful to know where such a feeling comes from and why, as this puts it in context. One cannot underestimate the value of feeling understood and having one's feelings acknowledged, even by oneself. For example, if you can say, "I'm feeling so angry at what she said," and then go on to, "because I felt so undermined by that," and then, "that's what I felt whenever my father said xxx." If you do this, no matter how briefly, it can put your response into context by making sense of it. Once this has happened, you can then say to yourself, "I can understand what I'm feeling, but I'm going to put it aside and enjoy the rest of my time at this function." It's about stepping aside from it, not denying it or letting it take over.

You write a lot about mindfulness. Do I have to meditate every day to experience this?

No, whether you meditate or not is your choice. If you choose to do it, how often you do so is a personal decision. Having said that, if you do it once a month it can't have the same effect as it would if you did it on a regular basis. The more you do it, the more you'll want to do it even when you don't really feel like it as you get used to the positive effects that come with it. One can also think mindfully and be mindful without meditating but the focused breathing integrates the concepts and makes it real.

At a time of life where we may be saying goodbye to our parents, friends or spouses, how can we engage with the transience of life instead of fearing death?

 In western societies, aging and death are seen almost as failures, as something unpleasant that should be kept apart. We've become cut off from the natural progression of life and the inevitable cycle of life and death. We need to remind ourselves, and work with the notion, of transience in order to slowly, gradually and, over time, become more familiar and accepting of it. It is unrealistic to think that we aren't going to be upset or devastated by the death of someone we love, because it hurts. We're people and it is appropriate to feel things. It's when these feelings take over and eat away at our own lives, over a period of time, that it then becomes a problem.