Your Loved Ones' Funeral Service and Burial or Cremation

"So, do you want to be buried or cremated? And who would you like to speak at your funeral service?"

Too blunt? So how do you ask your aging parents and other relatives about their final wishes? "These are conversations people don't like to have – but they need to be had at some point," says Mason Turner, chief of psychiatry for Kaiser Permanente in San Francisco.

It's unclear whether Whitney Houston talked to her loved ones about her wishes. Her family is limiting the guest list for her service (co-star Kevin Costner and gospel great Aretha Franklin will be there) and is reportedly planning to bury her body in New Jersey. The singer grew up performing in the Baptist church in Newark.

Bring up last wishes while your parents are healthy rather than waiting for a medical crisis, such as a terminal cancer diagnosis or an accidental death. Often it's easiest to bring up a safer topic, such as writing a will, says Turner. "This can be rolled into it."

Ideally, you should talk to your parents about what type of ceremony they would like and how they would like their remains to be handled. Would they like to be buried? If so, where — and in what cemetery and what kind of casket? Or would they like to be cremated? If so, would they like their ashes scattered in the mountains — or buried in a family plot?

Whether your parents have given you instructions or not, you will feel better if you know you're trying to honor their desires. "Many of us feel some degree of comfort knowing that we granted those last wishes," says Nashua, N.H., psychologist Carl Hindy, author of If This is Love, Why Do I Feel So Insecure? "'I know we did what she wanted.' Or, 'I'm sure she's so happy that we're doing it the way she wanted.'"

It's human nature to feel that way. "Even when we execute people, we grant them some last wish, some last meal," says Hindy. "The biblical image of the Last Supper comes to mind….The person's last wishes seem like an imperative, often a sacrosanct one. If the deceased wants her ashes spread in Gallway Bay, you can bet the family will be searching for a way to make her dream come true."

Hindy knew that his own dad, who died last month, would want his service to be like that of his deceased wife. With the funeral director's help, he chose his father's favorite hymns and his favorite foods for the restaurant meal following the service.

Afterward, he praised the funeral director, saying he was amazed he could guide the family so expertly and quickly. (The funeral director used his cell phone to call the favorite minister of Hindy's dad and even produced a menu for the restaurant where everyone ate after the service.) "He said, 'It's like being a wedding planner,'" says Hindy. "'But you get only two days instead of two years to do it."

If your aging parent never conveyed any last wishes, you're left to wonder. "'What would seem fitting?'" says Hindy. "'I know he would love to have a bugler play taps. He'd always tear-up when he saw that on TV.'"

Even if your parents bought the rights to bury in a particular cemetery plot, they may not have made every choice. You may need to decide, for example, whether they would want an above-ground mausoleum crypt. This style is popular in some parts of the country, particularly with people who worry – unnecessarily – about bugs and worms under the ground. Or you may need to decide whether your parents would want a galvanized steel casket that doesn't rust. Or, if you know they wanted cremation but you don't know any more details, you may need to choose whether to scatter their remains or place them in a cemetery with a marker. "People do want a place for their children and grandchildren to visit," says Joan Muser, president of Lots for Less (and a second cousin once removed).

If your aging parent was in active duty in the military, he or she may be eligible to be buried in a national cemetery, free of charge (except for the casket and funeral services). Unfortunately, not every one still has space available for casketed and cremated remains. To check which cemeteries are in your state and to see which ones are open and closed, visit the website for the Department of Veterans Affairs (which maintains 131 national cemeteries in 39 states).

The bottom line: Talk to your parents about their final resting place. And while you're at it, you can tell your loved ones about your wishes for your own remains. 

For more stories about death (and planning for it), read:

What to Write on a Loved One's Gravestone

When Suicide Touches You

Most Midlifers Do Not Have a Living Will