Alexa, a 23-year-old Chicago singer, met a guy while she was playing a game on her iPhone. "Eventually we started trusting each other enough that we started exchanging information," she says. "Finally, we were Facebook friends and talked on the phone."
Two months later, they met in person. To be safe, Alexa told her parents the name of their restaurant destination. "They were definitely concerned and leery," she says. "I completely understood their position."
This story comes with a happy ending. "Luckily, he turned out to be who he said he was" – a cute accountant, says Alexa.
She and her digital-turned-real-life beau are coming up on their two-year anniversary. And Alexa gives technology a lot of credit. "We just typed to each other," she says. "We established a relationship through communication first."
Once upon a time, parents worried that their offspring would meet a stranger at a bar who would turn out to be a Ted Bundy clone – a good-looking serial killer. Today they substitute a sociopath from a pub with a sociopath from the Internet.
Rather than panic, what should anxious parents do to increase the odds that their kids will follow in Alexa's cautious footsteps?
Talk. "Talking is the glue that holds relationships together," says Beverly Hills psychotherapist Fran Walfish, author of The Self-Aware Parent. "From early childhood learn to create an open dialogue, open discussion with your kids." Chat about dating safety, too. Ideally, do it when kids are 12 or 13, says Walfish. "Safety and misrepresentation have to be talked about from the get-go." A dad confided in her that he was presenting himself as single – when he was married with kids.
Forbid online dating for the under-18 set."If they're underage, parents have a right to have a zero-tolerance rule," says Walfish. "Stick to and hold your own beliefs as long as they're 18 years old and living in your house."
Keep an open mind. "I'm a proponent of online dating," says Nashua, N.H., psychologist Carl Hindy, co-author of If This Is Love, Why Do I Feel So Insecure? "There's great potential in online dating to find good matches because of the sheer number of people."
Remember the pitfalls. "Your mild-mannered young college student daughter could meet the older very different industrial worker or could meet the player or the troubled person for whom online dating is a game more than a sincere effort to find a long-term relationship," says Hindy. "The parent should try to have the conversations to highlight these issues."
Respect your child's judgment. Don't demean it, says Hindy. But talk about going to great lengths to get to know someone before meeting them. "You do that with lots of email exchanges and lots of questions – more like you're doing a job interview before you meet someone," says Hindy. "Use your head before your heart can take over."
Do due diligence. When someone asked him what people should ask about someone they meet online, Hindy joked, "I'd really like to know about their credit rating and their relationship with their mother." But he notes that his answer gets at two serious points: "reliability and sensitivity in relationships."
Avoid lectures. Instead, say, "Let's make some popcorn and look together online," says Hindy. "Make a fun evening of looking at the profiles together." It's OK to talk to your kids about online dating even if you don't know if they're doing it, he says. "It's such a common thing in our cultures that we can all talk about it."
Be honest. "Parents should feel free to speak up when they are concerned about bad romantic choices made by their children of any age," says child psychiatrist Elizabeth Berger, author of Raising Kids with Character. "Bad choices might include dating someone who is already married, someone who uses drugs, someone who is neglectful, disrespectful or abusive. Bad choices might include meeting strangers in situations that are unsafe or having unprotected sex. If parents feel that their offspring are putting themselves at risk through online dating—for example, getting into the automobile of someone when you really know nothing about that person — then parents should voice their worries. So should roommates, siblings, best friends, and any concerned person!"
Respect your kids' privacy. "If parents do not have faith in their children's judgment, then there is a problem that is larger than dating issues," says Berger.
Express legitimate concerns. "An intimate and caring relationship should have room for communicating worries however, even if these worries are not fully justified," says Berger. "Any parent might say, 'Yikes, I hear so many bad stories about online dating. I know this is a dumb question, but please reassure me that you aren't doing anything that could put you in danger!' This could open the door for a respectful, good-faith discussion that might be fruitful for both parties. It is not the child's actual age that determines what can and can't be expressed, but the friendliness and respect with which the parent communicates their own worries."
Leave "suitability" alone. "It is not uncommon that parents disapprove of their youngster's dating someone who does not seem 'suitable' in terms of social class, ethnicity, physical attractiveness, or some similar personal issue which is really not the parent's business," says Berger. "Here it is best if parents keep these opinions to themselves."
Skip the disapproval. "This is really not an issue about dating but of general awareness of predators and how they operate," says Berger. "Expressing parental disapproval won't help here. What is needed is realistic information about dangers in the world, so that the young person can navigate them safely."
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