There's been a lot of talk lately about cougars, or older women dating younger men. Most of the talk centers around the notion that it is empowering for women. But is it really?
There is definitely a double standard when it comes to dating. When an older guy dates a younger woman, he gets kudos from his pals and perhaps a wink or two from other guys when they're both out. When a woman dates a younger guy, she's a cougar. The implication is that she's aggressive, more sexual, more independent. Maybe that's true, and maybe not. After all, sometimes two people just click, and there can be any number of reasons why that happens.
Pressure to Feel Good Enough
While having the attention of a younger man might be cool for a while, eventually you'll feel the pressure to "keep" him. Recent reports from Demi Moore's alleged meltdown suggested that she was trying to be thin and concerned with remaining beautiful. Was this a byproduct of her marriage to Ashton Kutcher? There's nothing wrong with self-improvement, but what we're talking about here is chasing an ideal that doesn't exist in reality. Sure, Moore is part of the Hollywood lifestyle, where younger and thinner gets more attention. But in the non-Hollywood world, women put similar pressure on themselves. No matter how many times we're told about makeup people, plastic surgery, and airbrushing, there is a part of us that wouldn't mind looking like our younger selves and think it's actually possible.
But real beauty, like real love, comes from a place that isn't defined by the physical. A younger man may fall for the spirit and energy of an older woman, but what happens to the woman's mindset from that point on? Does she feel, even perhaps subconsciously, that if she looked a "bit younger," it would help improve her relationship?
Perceived Pressure to Be Younger
This is a dangerous mindset when dating (or marrying) a much younger guy. It's almost as if some women secretly wonder what their younger man really does see in them. As a result, they forget about wowing him with her intellect and experience, and instead try and compete with the younger women they assume he's looking at when he's not with her.
Sure, youth is valued to a degree, but we midlife women can counteract that with our own unique talents and attitude. You don't see Meryl Streep apologizing for being older, do you? And yet she still snags ever Oscar nomination and Golden Globe out there. What we need is more of these types of women, and less effort placed on chasing youthful beauty. There is a reason we left it behind, and it's because we replaced with experience. While I'd like to blame society or the men in the world for this phenomena, I can't. We women add to it just as much as anyone.
Are Cougar Relationships Doomed?
Are cougar relationships sustainable for the long haul? Generally, any time you have two people from different life circumstances (of which age is an equal part, along with experiences, upbringing, goals, and more), it becomes difficult to stay on the same page for years. That's tough enough even when you do share a lot of life experience.
There's nothing wrong with dating a younger guy, and if you fall for him and marry him? So be it. But then remember the reasons he fell in love with you, and don't try to change yourself after that. Don't chase an image you have in your mind of what you wish you looked like just because you think it's what he really wants. Don't assume what he's thinking, and instead focus on the common ground that brought you together in the first place.
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