Remember the old saying, "It's 10 o'clock. Do you know where your children are?" It became a joke, with Estelle Getty's "Golden Girls" character joking, "It's 10 o'clock. Do you care where your children are?!" Of course you do. But are curfews the best way to make sure your kids get home safe and sound? Here's what you need to know:
Learn your local laws. The U.S. Supreme Court has yet to weigh in on curfews. So they're up to individual cities and states. (Typical exceptions: minors hanging out with a parent, traveling to or from work, or attending official school events.) In its "curfew Q&A," the anti-curfew National Youth Rights Association notes that penalties for violations vary but can include fines and even jail time. Be aware that groups such as the NYRA and Americans for a Society Free from Age Restrictions think these ordinances violate kids' First Amendment rights to speak and assemble. (NYRA is fighting get-home-early ordinances in places like West Palm Beach, Fla.) Many states now use graduated driving rules, which limit the hours teens can be on the road—and end up working as unofficial curfews (unless your child is dating someone older).
Talk to the parents of your kids' friends. If you start a "community curfew" among close friends, you will prevent any child from feeling as though her parents are the only meanies.
Understand the history of curfews. If conversation lulls during family dinner, bring up how white slave owners regulated the times black slaves could be out on the streets, or how the Germans imposed an 8 p.m. curfew when they occupied Paris in 1940.
Listen to your teens. "Hear them out on what they think would be a good time for them to get home, says psychologist Marsha Levy-Warren, author of The Adolescent Journey. "Everything should be discussed in the context of what else is on your agenda." What's happening the next day? An exam? A sports game? Nothing?
Help your children see the benefits of an early tuck-in. "You're trying to help them learn how to make good decisions," says Levy-Warren. Feel free to bring up health issues: A typical adolescent needs about nine hours of sleep a night. If your child gets home at midnight and needs to be at football practice at 7 a.m., he's not going to excel on the field.
Don't get too hung up on a specific number. "A curfew is a random decision," says Levy-Warren. "It's not about what time they're at home. You're concerned about their safety." More important than the hour: making sure you're comfortable with the party or place your child will be and with transportation back and forth. Come up with a plan if the person who was going to drive your child home decides to "do tequila shots that night," says Levy-Warren. Tell your offspring to call you rather than get in the car. Say, "'At the drop of a hat, no questions asked, we'll call you and pick you up. We'll never even ask you why,'" says Levy-Warren. Some families come up with a code word that their child can use in such cases.
Think about why you want to pick a certain time. Cinderella had to be home at midnight. Rather than arbitrarily going along with her fairy godmother, spell out why you, too, see that as a good bewitching hour. Maybe it was the time your parents set for you, and you thought it worked well. Or maybe you looked at the American Academy of Pediatrics' suggested times for school nights (7 to 8 p.m. for 12- to 13-year-olds, 8 to 9 p.m. for 14- to 16-year-olds, and 10 to 11 p.m. for 17- to 21-year-olds) and for non-school nights (9 to 10 p.m. for 12- to 13-year-olds, 10 to 11 p.m. for 14- to 16-year-olds, and 12 a.m. to 1 a.m. for 17- to 21-year-olds), and decided they seemed reasonable.
Explain your rationale to your kids. Perhaps you'd like them home by 11 p.m. because you can't fall asleep until you know they're safe in bed. If that's the case, say so. Your child may say, "'You don't have to stay up until I get home,'" says Levy-Warren. You can respond, "'Easy for you to say. But I'm going to be concerned until you get home.' Be authentic with your kids. Tell the truth."
Consider the pros to curfews. Some parents and doctors think they show concern for a teens' welfare. "Kids need a certain amount of structure," says Dr. Daniel Levy, a developmental pediatrician who sits on the American Academy of Pediatrics' committee on communications and media. "While they live in your house, you want to feel like they have a sense of responsibility to their families." A curfew can simply be one of your house rules.
And consider the cons to curfews. You may decide a strict rule is unnecessary. "The teenager should have his own good sense to guide him when it is time to come home," says Dr. Elizabeth Berger, a child psychiatrist and author of Raising Kids with Character. Your teen can recognize "the need to get up the next morning, the need to keep those old folks at home from worrying too much, and the need to leave the party while it is still fun rather than staying until it gets sloppy," she says. "In a way, the more the parents make rules, the less practice the teenager will have in making his own rules. The goal is that the teenager makes his own rules wisely."
Come up with consequences. If you do set a curfew, decide how you will handle violations. "Most families know what motivates their child, and they know what's going to hurt the most," says Levy. The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests making sure the punishment conforms to the crime, which can include deducting time from future curfews. That is, if a child arrives an hour late, make him come home an hour earlier than usual next time. The AAP recommends avoiding long-term punishments, such as grounding your child for a month, which it says are overkill.
Here's to a good night's sleep for everyone.
Weigh in: Do you use curfews at your house?