More and more people are having children later in life, by choice or not. Some struggled for years to get pregnant or adopt, while others put off having children until they were more set financially. Whatever the reason, older parents certainly aren't an unusual thing anymore. Even so, I sometimes hear people say the goofiest things to new, midlife parents. See if you've heard one of these statements before.
I Could Never Do It
The "it" they are talking about here is raising kids after the age of 40, but raising children at any age is a choice. If you don't want to do it, you probably won't have to. People have children later in life these days for all kinds of reasons, but this statement seems to imply that having children after 40 was a choice made when that person was 20. The truth is, some people do try to have children before they are 40, but for whatever reason, it didn't happen.
My Kids and I Grew Up Together
I've actually been told several times by people who had their kids in their early 20s that they chose to have them that young so they could "all grow up together." I'm not sure what this means really, other than perhaps in looking back they didn't feel they were mature enough at the time to have children? I'd like to think this sentiment is meant to say, "Good for you for waiting until you were older" to a midlife parent, but it sounds silly nonetheless.
You Won't Have the Energy of Someone in Their 20s
When I told a friend of mine that we were going to adopt, one of them shook her head sadly and said, "You won't have the energy for it like you would have had in your 20s." I wanted to say, "Really? Well how about the maturity and financial resources then? Would that work?"
Here's a secret: Midlife parents know that they are older than other parents and they are okay with it.
When That Kid Graduates High School, You'll Be…
Calculating all the ages a midlife parent will be during different milestones in a child's life ("when they graduate high school you'll be 62," "when they get married you'll probably be…") is incredibly rude. It's also unnecessary, because we've already done this in our heads. You might not believe this but we: a) know how old we are; and b) can do math.
I'm Glad I Had My Kids Early
When a friend shared their adoption plans with a group of us, one person smiled and said, "I'm glad I had my kids early!" I wondered if this person realized the moment wasn't about them, it was about the parents about to adopt.
I had to ponder what other stupid things this person might have said. Perhaps to someone who lost a lot of weight they said, "I'm glad I'm thin!" Or maybe when a friend shared that they had been laid off they said, "I'm so glad I have a job!"
When your midlife pal shares their news of starting a family, be happy for them, just as they were for you.
Are You Ready for That?
Asking any parent if they're ready for children is silly, but when someone reaches midlife they have thought about having kids for a long, long time. It isn't a spur of the moment decision. A more supportive thing to say to a midlife parent is "Congrats! I know you're going to make an awesome parent."
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