For most of us, our parents are our head cheerleaders. They give us wise advice – and unconditional love. Without complaint, they also listen to endless stories about our jobs or kids.
So what do we do when they die? How do we learn to live without them? A friend who recently lost her beloved mom says she feels almost guilty that her life continues to move on.
And how do we help a surviving parent? This friend says she tries to remain strong for her dad, who is also turning to his Jewish faith for comfort.
Coping with the death of a mom or dad is difficult – even for therapists. "I'm going to miss having someone who really believed in me, who truly enjoyed my successes – was proud of me, not competing with me, or modeling after me, or wanting a favor from me – just because I'm me, his son," says Nashua, N.H., psychologist Carl Hindy, whose 82-year-old father died this month. "I'm going to miss having someone who I know really worried when I had hard times. Not that I wanted someone to worry, but I knew he cared and that I was never alone in my worries."
A parent is a witness to our lives, from their inception, says Hindy. And when a mom or dad dies, we are "more aware of mortality."
So how do we learn to live without a mother or father?
Reflect on the nature of the loss."Losing a parent is a factual data point, but what are you really losing?" says Hindy. "Understand what needs your relationship with your parent have been helping you to meet. You need to know what the relationship was contributing to your life in order to know what you will be missing."
Acknowledge the end of some chances."There is a loss of opportunities to resolve unfinished issues from your past with that parent," says Hindy. "Now you are left to finish unfinished business without the prospect of doing it in real life with that parent. In some ways the emotional accounts are frozen on the parent's death, and you need to sort them out to best move forward."
Recognize what it means to lose your head cheerleader."For most people who have had healthy relationships with their parent, I think they are losing a person who cares for them, believes in them, is rooting for them, and wants to hear about their lives in ways that only a parent can," says Hindy. "In a healthy relationship, a parent is one person who unselfishly rejoices in your successes, is genuinely proud of your accomplishments, and has heartfelt worries in sharing your struggles. This is different from friends and acquaintances who care about you, but not to the same depth and not in the same ways that only a parent can."
Do an inventory of other close relationships."In losing a parent you lose a sort of mirror of yourself, a reflection of yourself that, from your earliest recollections as a child through to this point in your adult life, has helped maintain your sense of identity," says Hindy. "For some more than others, this loss may leave them feeling more adrift… Think about which relationships can be advanced to a greater level of closeness and personal sharing."
Think of positive ways to deal with mortality."Maybe after the loss of your parent, and at this life stage, you can blossom in new ways," says Hindy. "[Find] meaning and purpose in new ways."
Write down feelings and questions.Do it in a journal – or in a hypothetical letter, says Hindy. "What do you wish you had talked more about with your lost parent? What do you wish you could finally have conveyed, finally have gotten him or her to understand? What, in turn, do you wish you could have heard from your parent?"
Know that no two people grieve exactly the same way. "The feelings are very individual," says Beverly Hills, Calif., psychotherapist Fran Walfish, who last week lost her 89-year-old father, Hershel Walfish, a well-known Orthodox cantor and survivor of several Nazi concentration camps. (As his obituary in the Jewish Journal noted, the tenor – compared to Luciano Pavarotti — said singing for commanders helped him survive.) "There's no one way," says Walfish. "There's no prescription for dealing with loss." Some people can't handle going to the burial site. Others find comfort in it. Some people don't want to see a parent's face in a casket. Walfish found solace in seeing her father's face after friends and family left. "It was, for me, extremely comforting because he looked beautiful. He looked so peaceful, so free of pain."
Consider how the length of a parent's illness can make a difference. Walfish's father had been declining in health for several years. "We had preparation," she says. "I modified my work to take care of him." As a result, she says, "I didn't feel the guilt of 'I could have done more.'"
Seek comfort in something that reminds you of the parent.Walfish put on her dad's perfume and a cashmere sweater she had bought him when he got sick – which he wore every day. "I want it close," she says. "These are called transitional objects, intimate objects that are extensions."
Nurture a remaining parent.Walfish says she plans to "spoil" her 80-year-old mom. She and her siblings plan to continue to use their dad's caregivers for their mo. "They'll be her company and security," she says.
Turn to your religion for help.Many people find solace in their faith. "Throughout his dying, I was saying, 'please take care of him,'" says Walfish.
Acknowledge the emotional roller coaster.That's normal and understandable, says Walfish. "Feelings change moment to moment."
Smile at positive memories.I know my father, who died years ago, would want me to remember the best moments – how he ran along behind me while he taught me to ride my bike, how he never missed a high school band concert, and how he spoke at my wedding.
Try to live your own life in a way you won't regret.The death of a parent reminds us that life is finite. But rather than get depressed over that fact, try harder to leave the world a better place than when you arrived. Volunteer. Do random acts of kindness. (Try these thoughtful actions.) And remember to show and tell friends and family how much you love them.
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