Stage moms and dads can be good—or bad. Think of the parents of Leonardo DiCaprio, Brooke Shields, Justin Bieber, Tiger Woods, Jessica Simpson, Beyonce Knowles, Venus and Serena Williams, and Michael Jackson. Who do you want to emulate? Remember these sweet 16 tips:
1. Be supportive. Encourage kids, and don't belittle them, says Dr. Ben Siegel, professor of pediatrics and psychiatry at Boston University. "Cherish their wonderful capacity, whatever their capacity is."
2. Resist the urge to chime in from the sidelines. Let the experts do the coaching and directing. When it comes to how to kick a soccer goal or how to cry on cue, your child should not listen to you. Sorry. Don't talk to your child or other kids during games or auditions. And no fair begging the coach or play director to let your child be the starter or the star. He may actually hold it against your child, anyway. Avoid dissecting the game (or show) afterward, too. Your kids don't want to hear your critique. You're not football commentator John Madden or New York Times theater critic Ben Brantley.
3. Try not to embarrass your child. Have you heard the horror stories about dads who arrive at baseball games with radar guns to time the opposing pitchers? Case closed. It's OK to "cheer appropriately," says pediatrician Michelle Barratt, professor of pediatrics at the University of Texas at Houston, a former member of the American Academy of Pediatrics' committee on adolescence—and the mother of five kids (ages 9, 16, 17, 19 and 22). What's not all right: "Yelling things from the field that would be hurtful to their child's self esteem—'you idiot, what are you doing?'" she says. "How is this child being treated at home when it's not public?"
4. Don't live vicariously through your offspring. Some parents find this difficult. "Maybe they didn't have the sports skills, and their child does," says Barratt. As a Slate article on coaches' sons notes, former assistant Raiders coach Marv Marinovich "mercilessly" drilled his son, Todd—who made the NFL but got caught with heroin. (By contrast, college basketball coach Press Maravich taught his son, Pistol Pete, to play hoops by making it fun, not torture.)
5. Maintain balance. Kids need opportunities to participate in activities—but the right amount of them. The message in an American Academy of Pediatrics report: "The challenge for society, schools, and parents is to strike the balance that allows all children to reach their potential, without pushing them beyond their personal comfort limits, and while allowing them personal free time."
6. Skip practices and rehearsals. Unless you're specifically invited, resist the temptation to sit there too long. That said, kids typically like you to be there for actual games and performances
7. Don't pressure kids. Love them and give them guidance instead. To help older kids de-stress, tell them about the AAP's site, which helps them create a "personal stress management guide." If you're worried that your child may suffer from an anxiety disorder, see a doctor.
8. Follow your child's lead. Don't require him to play piano if he loves swimming. A deep commitment to anything needs to come from inside. "Having a profound talent for acting or playing an instrument may inspire the child to have such a commitment, but it may not," says Dr. Elizabeth Berger, a child psychiatrist and author of Raising Kids with Character. "It can be painful for the parent to notice that the child has a tremendous skill in a certain area without making use of it. It takes self-discipline for the parent to provide support and encouragement to the child without swamping the child with the parent's agenda—but this is a wiser route to take."
9. Don't force your child to practice. "Parents who 'make' children do things invariably create a resistance to the child owning the thing authentically," says Berger. "Creating a home where people are responsible and hard working is a very different matter, however, and has to do with the parents' provision of leadership, inspiration and emotional support." Don't expect too much, too soon, from kids or grandkids. "Occasionally a child of 3 or 4 is already an accomplished violinist or math genius, but this is very rare—and some children just don't have the development equipment to 'work' at anything until a bit later than 7 or 8," says Berger.
10. Lighten up. If your child wants to be uber-involved, it may be OK. Contrary to popular belief, most children are not overscheduled. A 2006 Yale University study published by the Society for Research in Child Development found that 40 percent of kids ages 5 to 18 participated in no activities—but busy kids performed better on tests and were less likely to smoke or drink.
11. Don't pressure your child to win—or get the starring role. Your child may love being in the chorus or being part of the team, even if he is not a starter. Don't rain on his parade—and don't expect perfection. "You tell the parents to lay off," says Siegel. "They're living through their kids."
12. Know when it's time to let your child quit. After a tough practice or play rehearsal, kids may say they want to forget it all. That's normal. "The parent should provide momentary support to tide over moments of discouragement and distraction when the child really needs them," says Berger. But listen to signs that your child is no longer enjoying his activity on a day-to-day basis.
13. Say nice things about competitors. You're a role model. Don't put down other kids, says Barratt. And don't whisper to another mom that you wish another child would come down with a good case of chicken pox.
14. Don't overemphasize winning—or getting the part. "Balance the needs of sportsmanship with the needs of winning," says Barratt. "Most kids need to learn sportsmanship." Reward kids for what they did do (they worked well together as a team), not for what they didn't do (they still lost), she says. "Sometimes that other team, even though they won, cannot feel as good about it because it was their star player who did all the work."
15. Hit the books. At the AAP's online bookstore, you can find Less Stress, More Success: A New Approach to Guiding Your Teen Through College Admissions and Beyond, co-written by a former college admissions dean and a pediatrician. For more food for thought, check out The Hurried Child and The Over-Scheduled Child.
16. Build in free time. The AAP report notes that unstructured play (for younger kids) and unscheduled time (for older ones) helps them manage stress. With younger kids (and grandkids), emphasize the benefits of toys such as blocks and dolls that let kids fully use their imaginations. With older kids, understand the pressure they feel from the increasingly competitive college admissions process, let alone on the soccer field or the school stage.
For more about parenting and relationships, read:
How to Raise Kids Who Care: Here's to a 'We' Generation
Should You 'Fess Up to Your Teens about any Sex and Drugs and Rock 'n' Roll in Your Past?