Dear Kiss & Zutell,
I'm engaged to a wonderful man. This will be the second marriage for both of us. I have no complaints, but something about him is driving me nuts. He never talks about his exes - either his wife or girlfriends. He was married for seven years - a good chunk of anyone's life. Why is he so mum?
Intensely curious.
Dear IC,
I could remind you of what curiosity did for the cat, but we don't do clichés here at K&Z.
What are you are hoping to discover? I'll answer for you. You'd like to be certain that his ex wife - and girlfriends - were all unattractive, thoroughly annoying harridans. That way you can be sure you'll keep him mesmerized till death do you part (eliminating any risk that you may be his next ex), because you are doubtless extremely attractive and more enchanting than a magic wand.
Suppose you dose his sorbet with sodium pentothal and learn all his secrets, and just as you hope (I mean, suspect) his exes were all hideous. What will that say about him? He either has very low self-esteem, or a thing for women with a different look, or maybe they did something that kept him around for seven years or more.
There's a buzz-word in vogue with many "relationship counselors" and therapists. It's "transparency." The idea is that when two people marry, they should pry open every cranial fold for inspection and replace the bone of their skulls with Lexan. Sounds horrible to me. Intimacy is great, but so is mystery. If you could download his every memory, what would be the point of further conversation?
Transparency is a word better applied to government agencies and your doctor's history of malpractice.
More relationships are cratered by too much information than not enough.
You are transparent. I can predict, with certainty, that you will pick, wheedle and pry until he either dumps you or surrenders the data you require.
My advice—don't pry. You'll find out more by being patient and letting him disclose when he's ready. In the meantime, if you like puzzles, head to a hobby shop.