Dear Kiss & Zutell—
My friends are planning a girls' weekend to Miami. It sounds like a lot of fun and I really want to go. The problem? My husband. He's totally against it. We've been married for twenty-five years and I've never gone away with friends. He says the only vacation I should take is with him. I love my husband, but I would like some me time with the girls. We're all over the county and not getting any younger. I feel…
—Mad and Resentful.
Dear MAR—
If you can't go, can I take your place? I need a girls' weekend, well, EVERY weekend. And while we're rubbing the magic lamp, let's make those four-day weekends.
You didn't mention why your husband's against it. Do you take vacations as a couple? If you don't, I understand why he might be annoyed. Maybe he wants you to plan a trip with him. But if you do go away with him, what's the problem? Is the trip in your budget? Or has he become the American mid-life husband archetype bemoaned by women from Bangor to Baja: Robert J. Routine. (the J is for just). These guys are stuck in a rut so deep, they need crampons and a winch to get them out. They trudge through life like a dray horse and one day wake up old and incapacitated and say, hey, I forgot to have some fun?
Or is hubby worried you'll have too much fun? Does he not trust you? If he doesn't trust you. Why? Are you not trustworthy? Or does he not trust himself and he's projecting these insecurities on to you?
Okay. That's a lot of questions, but here's a secret I've discovered about most girls' weekends (don't mention this to my husband, because I want to keep him on his toes). They're tame. We talk a good game about dancing til dawn and drinking too much. But, the truth is, that's not what happens. We lounge by a pool or beach, stuff ourselves like sled dogs, chug exotic cocktails….and then get in our pjs and talk until our tongues reach muscle failure. We catch up on the year or two that's gone by since we last got together. It's about the luxury of sleeping in (unless you have a friend like my friend Elise, who's running at the crack of dawn and who turns a saunter to a bar into a brisk walk).
The last thing my friends want to do is have one night stands. We're having too much fun with each other. Who needs the drama? There's enough at home. And the whole point of a weekend away is to escape drama.
Perhaps if you explain this to hubby without being defensive or angry, he'll understand. Tell him to plan something with his friends. And tell him you'll plan something wonderful for the two of you. Give him a goodbye present….If he still doesn't understand, maybe there's something else going on. Only you know.
If you do go away, let me know. I'll join you. I'm available anytime. Even right now. And I promise, I won't invite Elise.
Please forward me your itinerary. I may have some white space on my calendar.
Kiss & Zutell needs more questions on anything. E-mail them to me at izutell@sbcglobal.net. Please put Kiss & Zutell in subject line.