Dear Kiss & Zutell—
My mother is 72 and a widow for three years. A few weeks ago she told me she's been going out with "Tom," a widower and family friend. They've known each other forever. He's a nice guy, but I don't get this at all. My dad was into fitness. Tom is short and fat. He's just not my mom's type. This is the first man my mom's dated since my dad died. I don't want to discourage it, but it just seems too weird and maybe a little desperate.
Grossed-Out Daughter—
Dear GOD—
It's always weird and disturbing to think of your parents dating, kissing and God knows what else. But is Tom a boyfriend or a companion? She told you she's been "going out" with Tom. Could you have jumped the gun? Maybe they're FWBs—Friends Without Benefits.
A lot of older widowed women I know say they have no interest in replacing their husbands, but they miss male companionship. Even if they have a lot of female friends, it doesn't replace the void they feel without a man in their life.
For many women, no man can replace their husband. But sometimes a man is better than no man at all—even if he's a short and fat and not at all mom's type.
"Anne," a widowed friend, told me she misses a dancing partner. "You can go dancing with your women friends, but I love dancing with a man. I like a man taking the lead and me following. That's the beauty of dancing—and you can't copy that with a woman. That's just how it is."
When I was a travel writer, I noticed a lot of older men and women vacationing as couples, even though they weren't married. A lot of times these couples had been friends forever and had found themselves widowed. Instead of staying home, they'd take cruises or tours together. "It's more fun to have a date to go to formal affairs," one woman told me. "Our spouses would want us to travel and have fun. But there's no romance here—we're just friends."
Talk to your mom. See what she thinks about this relationship. Don't add your two cents until you know all the details. And if your mom's found herself a Friend With Benefits, that's even better than a good dance partner—although well, maybe you really don't need to know much more.