When her mother was in the early stages of Alzheimer's disease, Leeza Gibbons took her to a black tie gala benefiting the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation, a cause close to both women's hearts, since they have family members with diabetes. "With Alzheimer's you are never really secure about how much to expose your loved one to social situations, since you don't want it to impede their dignity or make it too uncomfortable for other people," says Leeza. "But we knew that my mom would know a lot of people at this event so we thought it would be okay."
At one point during the night Leeza realized that she couldn't find her mother. When she eventually spotted her, she was standing in a corner with her beautiful sequined gown . . lying on the floor in a puddle around her feet. "I was horrified," says Leeza. "And I ran over to her to put her dress back on and she said 'This is a boring party and I want to go home and put on my pajamas.'," recounts Leeza, who adds, "My family and I can laugh about it now, because it probably was a boring party, but at the time it was extremely painful to realize that she had passed the line of being unable to attend events like that. She had looked so lovely in that gown."
Because of her experience caring for her mother, who lived with Alzheimer's for a decade after her diagnosis, Leeza has become an advocate for families afflicted by Alzheimer's, founding the Leeza Gibbons Memory Foundation and Leeza's Place and writing an advice book for Alzheimer's caregivers, called Take Your Oxygen First. This is in addition to her day job as an Emmy-winning television star, currently hosting "American Now" with Bill Rancic and AARP's "My Generation."
This is some of Leeza's best advice for people whose parents have Alzheimer's:
Don't waste time in denial."Your family is never going to be ready for Alzheimer's, but the disease requires that you take action anyway. My granny had suffered from Alzheimer's, so when my mom was diagnosed we were better prepared than some people, but my siblings and I all went to our corners and did our denial dance for a while. My denial mechanism was to get overly busy."
Accept and forgive. "Forgive your loved one for being sick, and forgive yourself for not always handling it perfectly."
Assemble a support team."Accept that you can't walk this path alone, and identify the members of your 'team' who will help you along the path. It may not be your family, it could be a friend, a geriatrician, a life coach, anybody who is within your reach who you can call upon to help you."
Tell people what you need."When people ask what you need, have an answer! Ask for what you need, whether it's bringing dinner over on a Tuesday, cutting up snacks, watching your loved one for a few hours so you can run errands, walking the dog."
Keep sibling bonds strong. "If you have siblings, accept that you'll probably have some conflicts at this time. All of the skeletons start tumbling out of the closet when this new reality enters your life. You need to accept that they're giving what they can, and know that this is not the time to try to fix your relationship. It's common for families to kind of unravel in this situation, but I've also seen many families who used it as an opportunity to let go of their facades and veneers. So if possible, try to be real with each other and forgive."
Don't let yourself off the hook. "Take a personal inventory—ask am I shortchanging my kids, overeating, snapping at my husband? Once you can own that, and take custody of that for yourself then you can be responsible for your part in making it better. This is not the time to be a martyr or let the rest of your life deteriorate just because your parent is sick. Our ability to cope is dependent upon our reserves we build up."
To help caregivers get crucial advice like this from those who've walked the same path already, Leeza is partnering with AlzheimersDisease.com and Novartis Pharmaceuticals to hold a contest called "Words of Wisdom." To enter, caregivers are asked to submit advice about how to find strength and support during the caregiving journey. The 10 entries which provide the most unique and useful advice will be published on AlzheimersDisease.com and each of the winning entrants will receive a $100 gift card.
"The best advice comes form people who are head of you on the path," says Leeza. "By the time you lose somebody with this disease you have accumulated all of this knowledge and no longer have anything to do with it, so we are asking people to put their hard-earned advice to work by sharing it."
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