Adoption has changed so much since I was adopted in the 60s. In the last fifty years, adoption has gone global, birth mothers are able to choose parents to adopt their child, cost and wait time have dramatically increased, and the process itself has become much more open. The intention behind open adoption is to help children know their birth parents and therefore not have issues with identity or abandonment. But does open adoption really accomplish this? And if it does, are there other issues that develop in its place?
Thoughts From an Adopted Adult
In the 60s when I was adopted, records were closed, which meant that adoptive parents generally knew the basics about the child they were adopting (ethnic and religious background, age of birth parents, some personality traits of birth family), but even then the information was sketchy and not very complete. If you wanted to know if hypertension or breast cancer ran in your family, for example, you were out of luck. More complete health history was one reason some adoptees looked up their birth parents in the beginning.
In an open adoption, however, the birth mother has contact in many cases with the child and adoptive parents. The level of contact varies with each individual case, and perhaps that's the problem with saying that open adoption is a viable option on a universal basis. From my own perspective, I doubt I would have had less issues with identity if my birth mother had been around. On the surface, it seems like a good idea, but the more I think of it, I realize that if she did go on to get married and have children (which she certainly should have done), my young heart would have continually wondered what was wrong with me.
Because my adoption was closed, I didn't see my birth mother. This allowed me to think of her fondly and perhaps wonder one day if I would meet her, but it also allowed us both to move on. As a child, I doubt I would have been able to handle the confusion of seeing her, having her comment on various aspects of my life, and then watch her go back to her own life and raise the other children that she "kept." As an adult, however, I had hoped she had moved on and was happy, because she did a wonderful thing in bringing me into the world. She should be allowed to live her life without being constantly reminded that I was being raised by other people.
Giving Up Parental Rights
I've talked to several couples that did open adoption, and in nearly all of them they said it seemed more difficult for the birth mother to see and talk with their child when they were not raising them. Some told me stories of birth mothers crying on the phone, or clinging to their children during a visit. This confused the child and actually made visits uncomfortable for them.
That isn't to say that they regretted doing the adoption, of course, because they love their child. When I talked to a birth mother who had given up her child in an open adoption agreement, she said she looked forward to the day when her child turned 18 so "they could all be a family again." But when a birth mother gives up a child for adoption, parental rights are extinguished, and it's more than just a legal distinction. The child becomes someone else's, and while the child may look or act like the birth mother, he or she will always think of their adoptive parents as their family. A birth mother who thinks adoption is temporary is going to be very disappointed.
This isn't to say that eventually the child and birth mother can't be friends at some point, or that the birth mother won't be a cherished part of the child's life. Even if a child doesn't grow up knowing their birth mother, they can still do so when they are an adult and decide on their own. While open adoption might seem like a good way to allow the child access to the birth mother, in other ways it creates new issues. The point is, there a lot of options.
The Journey of Adopted Children
Adoption is so emotional for everyone involved. Part of the adoption journey is understanding that you weren't abandoned at all, that you in fact were special enough that you had two sets of parents who made difficult decisions in order for you to live life to your fullest potential.
We want adopted children to grow up happy, but we need to also understand that every child and situation is different. I can see open adoption working out fine with some families, and not with others. It depends on the birth mother, adoptive parents, and perhaps most importantly, the child.
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