In case you missed it, Justin Timberlake and actress Jessica Biel got engaged over the holidays.
When they set a date, talk will turn to the bride (her gown), the bridesmaids (their dresses), the father of the bride (will he give her away?), the mother of the bride (is she doing a lot of the planning?), and the groom (will he write his own vows?).
But will anyone fuss over the father of the groom? Not so much.
Hollywood makes movies about brides ("The Princess Bride," "The Bride of Frankenstein," "Runaway Bride") and even grooms ("The Marrying Man") and fathers of the bride ("Father of the Bride"). Fathers of the groom? Forget it.
What do they get? Nothing – except, often, the bill for the rehearsal dinner and the chance to give a touching-but-funny wedding toast.
When Timberlake and Biel and other newly engaged celebrities (such as Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard and Christina Applegate and Martyn LeNoble) get hitched, I'm going to be thinking about the fathers of the grooms. (OK, I may sneak a peek at the brides' and bridesmaids' dresses, and I may look to see if the members of Timberlake's old boy band, 'N Sync, are groomsmen.)
The way people view celebrity weddings parallels the way they view ordinary ones. No one pays much attention to the father of the groom – but he is an important family member.
Here are some tips for these long-neglected guys:
Be prepared for some separation anxiety. "If he is well attached, he's going to have all kinds of feelings about his son moving further out into the world," says Beverly Hills psychotherapist Fran Walfish, author of The Self-Aware Parent. "He may have doubts or questions about, 'Did I prepare him well enough? Did I give him what he needs to be the man of the house?'"
Be prepared for some self-reflection. "So many fathers have had to work, work, work, work, work, and left a lot of the primary caregiving to the wives," says Walfish. "It's a time when they'll soul search about the kind of role model they were as a father. 'What did I lay down as the model for how my son will do it?'"
Be prepared to talk. Fathers can take advantage of the opportunity for meaningful conversation with their sons, says Walfish. "Many dads do not want to be involved with what kind of flowers, and what menu should be served."
Be prepared for role uncertainy. "We think of the wedding as such a special thing for the bride and the family of the bride," says Nashua, N.H., psychologist Carl Hindy, co-author of If This Is Love, Why Do I Feel So Insecure? and the father of a son getting married this fall. "The bride and the mom have been out trying on gowns. Because it's such a special thing for them, it adds to the quandary. I don't want to be viewed as jumping in or wanting to take over. It kind of leaves me unsure what to do." He even finds himself reading about wedding etiquette online. "I'm a guy. Tell me my mission, and I'll go do it," he says. "I wish I knew what my assignment was, and then I'd do it!" Early in the process, he says, both families should clarify a division of tasks so they don't worry about stepping on each other's toes.
Be prepared for financial questions. Many about-to-marry couples are still going to graduate school. "It's not like they're out making oodles of money," says Hindy. "That complicates the question of how much do parents get involved."
Be prepared to mull over what to do to make it all seem special. Should the father of the groom make a slide show for the rehearsal dinner? He shouldn't feel he must overspend. Hindy remembers a fellow grad student's casual backyard wedding with volleyball as being among his favorites. After all, memorable doesn't need to mean expensive.
Be prepared for a little angst. It's normal. "As I see my son heading into marriage, I wonder what he thinks about marriage, what he expects of marriage, and what he's learned growing up," says Hindy. "And here I am a marriage counselor, but no doubt like most parents, wondering what I've taught at times by poor example and wish I hadn't taught, and the ideals that I have and maybe have discussed but not always lived up to. It feels a little like 'the proving ground' for the product ... from the relative safety of the sandbox now to the challenges of married life!"
Maybe some day we'll even see a "Father of the Groom" movie.
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