What should you do if your teen son is sporting sagging pants (a la rapper Lil Wayne) or if your teen daughter is painting her face with gobs of makeup (a la Lady Gaga) or squeezing into a skintight shirt with a plunging neckline (a la Kim Kardashian)?
Some advice from the pros:
Express your ground rules. "Parents should be clear about expectations," says Daniel Levy, a developmental pediatrician who sits on the American Academy of Pediatrics' committee on communications and media.
Ask questions. "What's the message you want to convey with those clothes? How do you think people are going to react?" says Levy. "Would you wear those clothes to a job interview? How do you want to represent yourself and your family?"
Shop together. "Part of control is a kid's spendable cash," says Levy. Go to clothes stores with your teen. An added benefit: you don't need to worry as much about shopping mall safety.
Don't be a hypocrite. "I see a lot of adults dressing like teens," says Levy. "Who's talking to who here?"
Look at your own choices. Adults try to fit in, too, says Nashua, N.H., psychologist Carl Hindy, the parent of four and the co-author of If This Is Love, Why Do I Feel So Insecure? Like his peers, he recently dressed in leather for a fundraiser motorcycle ride – but then returned to his normal L.L. Bean look. "So it's hard to object when your children do really the same sort of things that we did as teens – and that we are still doing as adults," he says. "Let's not deny it!"
Consider the permanence of the look. "I think where I and many parents draw the line with our teens is with the reversibility and the appropriateness and flexibility of the wardrobe, cosmetic, and grooming choices," says Hindy. "Clothes can be changed, cosmetics can be washed off, hairdos can be undone, and even piercings can be removed." But tattoos and some piercings can be another story, he says. It's worth mentioning to kids which choices might limit their options and close doors in the future. Remind them that they don't want to give people the wrong impression or commit themselves to a "character" they might regret next year, he says.
Discuss self-expression. Ask your kids how they want to "portray themselves out to the bigger community," says Mason Turner, chief of psychiatry at Kaiser Permanente in San Francisco. "What is the image you're trying to express about yourself? And how does it affect how people see you?"
Lighten up. "I do not believe that parents should involve themselves overly with their children's outside appearance," says child psychiatrist Elizabeth Berger, author of Raising Kids with Character.
Be honest. "When parents and youngsters have a warm, trusting relationship, then honesty is a basic aspect of their relationship," says Berger. "Parents should not feel afraid to say plainly but kindly, 'Good grief! I can't stand what you're wearing!"
Think about whether the new look is a sign of trouble. "If parents and youngsters do not have a warm and trusting relationship, then the clothing is sometimes a kind of code about the problem in the relationship or the problems within the younger person," says Berger. "It is often not the article of clothing itself but the message embedded in the clothing that is the issue." A child may be conveying, "I hate myself. I have no future. I am angry," says Berger. "Young people who are distressed are usually quite willing to speak with adults who are empathic and respectful listeners. I would forget the clothes and go directly to the message here."
Remember peer pressure. You may think a get-up is "outlandish," says Berger. "[But] youngsters are often eager to be accepted into this peer group, and their feelings can be very easily hurt by the parent's disapproval."
Convey your beliefs. Tell your kids how you expect them to behave when it comes to big-deal issues (such as drug and alcohol use) and smaller-deal issues (such as low-cut shirts, high-cut shorts, and T shirts with inappropriate sayings), says Michelle Barratt, a professor of pediatrics at the University of Texas Medical School at Houston, a former member of the American Academy of Pediatrics' committee on adolescence, and the mother of five (ages 10 through 23). "As we observe our teens' appearance that is out of line with our expectations, we need to call them on it and apply consequences that fit with our parenting style."
Take a deep breath. "Decide how much this will matter in five days, five months or five years," says Barratt. Parent with love and respect, not anger. Communicate your reasoning. And respond consistently, she says. "I want my teens to learn to make adult decisions that reflect how they were raised, and for now, that sometimes includes them deciding differently than I would like."
Put it in perspective. "I can think of way worse things that teens can be doing than making their appearance outside of their parents' comfort zone," says Barratt. Indeed.
For more about your kids' appearance, read:
Should You Let Your Teens Get Tattoos and Piercings?
For more about your kids' role models and crushes, read:
Who Are Your Teens Crushing On?
Wow Your Kids with What You Know About Their Sports Heroes
For more parenting advice, read:
What to Do When Kids Say, 'I Quit'
Should You Worry About Your Child Rushing a Fraternity or Sorority?